far far away

i miss Will. can't tell him...i want him to be active in my life because he wants to be, not because i beg him or trick him or guilt him into it. it's difficult and heartbreaking to care about someone even after they've stopped caring about you. it's frustrating and discouraging to want to be with someone who no longer wants to spend time with you. and it's devistating when someone you once talked deeply and nearly daily with barely has time (or maybe just desire) to meet for lunch. it breaks me to lose people, especially people I was once close to, and people who have made a significant difference for good in my life. i miss him...but if life has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing i can do but try to let go...try to forget so it doesn't hurt to miss him. and, do better in the future with guarding myself. i let myself hope, once again, like the idiot i am, that he was different, that he would be a true friend and stick around...but now i see that is impossible, it will never be. ah, but that's because of me...isn't it? if i could figure out how to stop being a wretched spastic freak, maybe someone would stay. i'm so much better than i was. the medication magnified instead of sedating my symptoms, but i'm free of the medication now and in better control. i'm taking baby steps. i'm over my breakdown and slowly beginning to move forward. my anxiety is still a bit high in certain social situations (which i've been doing my best to avoid) and so i'm fairly self contained these days. i'm not really depressed these days; not particularly happy, but content enough. it would be nice if i could go to sleep tonight and just not wake up in the morning...but that's not likely. i just want to rest in peace... that's one of the things i miss most about Will. he has this strange calming and comforting affect on me that i have yet to find anywhere else. i feel better with him. but why should that matter? he has his own life, why should he give a damn about me? why should anyone?

embrace the lonely

i'm acclimating to being alone.  i'm not sure what happened exactly, why i have become so antisocial.  too much loss, too much betrayal, too much rejection...i suppose.  i found what i wanted.  i basked in it for a while.  i lived the closest i've ever come to the life of my dreams.  there were a couple significant aspects missing, but it was close enough.  as always, though, the fulfillment of my dreams was just out of my reach.  i haven't figured out how to grasp it just yet, so i'm accepting the fact that i'm going to be alone and lonely for a while.

it seems that everyone around me is moving in the direction i want to be going, but i can't figure out how to go that way.  i'm not going the opposite direction, it's more like i'm cutting crossways at an angle.  i'm progressing, just not the same way others are.

three weeks ago i graduated with my bachelor degree.  i realize that comparatively that's no great accomplishment, but i'm the first female in my family, second member altogether, to complete a bachelor degree, so it's kind of important.  i didn't do school the way most others do.  it's taken a long time.  if i had it to do over again i would change a lot of things.  but i don't, so i guess there's purpose in the way my life has gone.  i wish i could find some insight, but there really isn't any except that for whatever reason i am where i am and have come the way i have and somehow it is all for my good and benefit.

hermit

i realize i've kind of been stuck in a pity party for a while.  just as i began to think happiness was an option, life took a sudden, unexpected detour and i crashed...again.  now i'm hiding.  i don't fit into society anymore.  somewhere i recrossed a threshold and now i'm back to being 14 years old with one or two real friends and surrounded by people who could care less if i exist.  where went all the people who care about me?  i needed kindness and support, friendship and love, and i was given silence, rejection, and loneliness.  well, whatever. 

i stopped writing.  i stopped caring.  i stopped trying. 

when i wasn't at work or school, i took up residence on the couch in the downstairs TV room.  no one wanted me anywhere else, so i locked myself away and lost myself in the fantasies of others.  distraction is best when you're your own worst enemy.

how do i hold on to myself when the world shifts that way?  how do i maintain dignity when people don't behave the way i wish they would?  how do i care about myself even when no one else does?  how do i exist in a society that doesn't understand or accept me?  how do i find truth and clarity of vision?  how do i seek out and hold on to light when all around me is suffocating darkness?

supposedly i have the answers.  i have The Gospel.  i have the truth in my pocket; i've been taught the truth my whole life through church and seminary and institute and personal study...and yet...the most important part just won't stick.  i need help but i don't know where to turn or how to ask.  i beg and plead in prayer, but i don't seem to get anywhere.  i don't know what else to do.

since no one misses me, i'll just hide out for a while longer.

walk me through my fears

I need someone to walk me through my fears. I need someone who knows me and loves me and cares enough about me to sit beside me, hold my hand, and walk me through my fears. I can't let go and I can't move on. I'm petrified and incapable of trying again. I am pushing everyone away so the ceiling that is crumbling down around me won't crush or impale anyone but me. I need someone brave enough to stand by me even though they may be risking their own safety to do it. not literally, that was a dramatic metaphor. the only risk, the only cost will be time and love. I wish I could find someone who cares enough about me to stand by me and help me heal.
but where do I find someone as amazing as that? I don't know how to do it alone. I've been working so hard for so long...I've been to various professionals, but I can't pay someone to walk me through in the way I need...I need love too. paying for "love" is against the law ;)

I just need someone amazing to love me...why is that so hard?

"they're my people. people keep you going. people are better than no people"

i guess i keep hoping someone outside of myself will see me, see what i'm going through, see the battle i'm trying so hard to fight, and decide to take up my cause.  i know i've been wretched.  i know i haven't been easy to love.  i know i've been pushing people away and closing myself off.

i know it...i just don't know how to stop it.

Will met me for lunch on Tuesday.  we went from being friend who hung out or had some sort of contact every day for months to people who have lunch a couple times a month.  he generally still responds to my texts, but they are few and far between.  he's fitting me in the cracks because i insist on not being forgotten.  he cares, he just cares more about someone else than he does about me...i guess that's as it should be...but i haven't figured out how to be completely okay without him yet.

The Artist is also less available.  we use to hang out all the time, i was important to him...now he is busy and unavailable and barely talks to me alone anymore.  again, it's the way it's suppose to be...but i'm not quite ready to lose another of my best friends.

Ampo text me today.  we had a rough patch and went from everyday friends to not talking rather suddenly...but i think it was for the best because it was one factor that forced her into the better place she's creating for herself right now.  it was good to hear from her.

Chelle and Hey-Pay are still around; i'm really grateful for that.  we went to a movie tonight and we're going out again next week.  Chelle surprised me by creating a party for my birthday next week.  i wanted to keep it super low-key...like the three of us since they seem to be the only ones who really care right now...but i'm sure i'll be pleasantly surprised by who else shows up for me.

of course Bestest Friend is still around.  we try to hang out at least once a week.  she and her cute little family took me to lunch today after Papa's funeral (her grandpa).  Bestest Friend is the one person i know i can always count on to be there when i really need her.

i'm so grateful for those who have stood by me, loved me despite my craziness and crashing last year.  i'm grateful for those who still treat me like i'm okay (not in an avoidance or ignorance kind of way, but in an acceptance and supportive kind of way), even when i'm not.

i miss La-T.  i regret burning that bridge. when i stopped going to the ward, she sent me texts saying she missed seeing me there, but i pushed her away because it seemed that the only time she cared about me was for a moment on Sundays when she didn't see me at church.  i say SEEMED because i don't know, it's how it appeared to me, but my perception was very skewed, so it's hard to tell.  i didn't know how to accept whatever she tried to offer, i didn't know how to accept whatever degree of friendship she was willing to maintain.  i miss La-T, but i don't know how to initiate...anything.  Chelle invited her to my birthday party...i hope she comes.

i need people.  we all need people.  people help.  i'm doing a whole heck of a lot better now than i was even a month ago.  i'm relearning how to be okay alone.  the trouble is that when i'm alone too long, it gets worse.  i'm improving.  i'm feeling more like myself.  i wrote a poem that wasn't all depressed and wretched.  i'm doing well enough in my classes and i'm generally enjoying my job (mostly because of the great people i work with).  things are generally looking up.  but i need someone to help me with a couple of things i just can't seem to figure out.  i can't see it clearing because i'm in it.  i need me (at the height of my perception) outside of myself, to help me figure it out.  but i don't have me outside myself, so it would be really helpful to have someone else.  i just don't know who to ask, or even how to explain the trouble i'm having. ugh!

but, aside from that, things are looking up.  and i'm beginning to see that i do have people.  i'm not completely alone like i think i am all too often.  we need people. it's good to have people.  i'm so very grateful for my people.

writing again

i wrote a poem.  it's been months (at least) but i finally found some words!  i thought the muse was dead.  i thought the music was dead.  but here it is.  it's nowhere near my best, but it's something.

It Isn't Chemical

It isn't about oxygen
The element necessary for breath
It isn't about H2O
The elements of hydration
It isn't animal, vegetable, mineral
The elements of sustenance
You are not required for existence

It is about feeling, enjoyment, life

You are the music
The harmony that makes the song worth hearing
You are the art
The color and texture, the light and dark of interest
You are the breeze, the flowers, 

the smell of apple pie and lilacs
(Not necessarily together)

I smile when you're around
Hope, peace, security, poetry
Your friendship restores my faith

It isn't chemical or survival
It's joy, plain and simple

how do i get back?

i'm kinda lost and terribly alone these says. i guess my choices led me here, my fears and doubts and desperations...i hoped someone would see and understand and reach out to rescue me from myself, but i've simply spiraled deeper and deeper into aloneness. no one cared enough to interfere with my self destruction. i've needed someone to just be there, to invite me, offer a ride, save a seat, listen, just show me i'm wanted and not alone. but i am alone.

so i'm trying to make the best of it. i don't cry anymore, don't pity party, don't seek attention or validation. i wrap myself in loneliness and console myself with books and tv and all the sad songs.

the Artist is nearly engaged. Will has all but disappeared. he doesn't need me or want me around anymore and i'm tired of grasping and begging for scraps of his time. i hoped and prayed someone else would come when he was gone, but all that's there is a gaping, aching void i do my best to ignore. i want to move, to go back to when it was happy, or forward to the next happiness, i want out of this moment...but there is no way out yet. I'm trying to learn patience, endurance, faith...but they are so difficult, especially when it hurts so much and hope is so difficult to see. what's the point of going on if no one cares that i exist?

how do i get back to that place where i'm wanted, where i'm surrounded by friends? or, how do i get to that place where i'm in the arms of the love of my life? that's where i'd really like to be. but does that place even exist? i may never know.