it's been a big summer for babies. both my sister and sister-in-law, friends and acquaintances, all having babies. the funny thing is that i'm not feeling the craving. maybe it's been so long since i let myself indulge in the dream of having some of my own that i've lost the hope altogether? i pray that's not the case. maybe it's a blessing in disguise?
it used to be that my arms would ache from the emptiness. my heart would reach out to any and every little one who came in proximity. my one and only great desire in life was to hold little ones of my own.
i still want that, but i don't know if it will ever happen, and i can't let the ache distract me anymore.
tonight it's not a baby i'm aching to hold.
this ache is still a distraction that i don't know how to suppress.
my heart and lungs are clenched again. i feel like there's a weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. i'm tired, maybe that's all. tired and hungry. that's all.
i wish i had someone to run to; someone to hold in my weary arms; a place to rest my throbbing head.
Will's texting. i wish he were here, not blocks away, present only in black and white. i need a friend.
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
how many more tomorrows?
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