disappear

it's been almost a month since the last time i posted...longer since i really wrote anything.  i don't really feel like writing these days...anything...at all.  even in school, my papers are B average papers.  i hoped my Shakespeare class would be a great renewal and rejuvenation for my soul, but it hasn't been anything of the sort.  i'm not doing well in my Spanish class...well, that's not exactly true.  i have good grades so far, but that's only because we haven't had anything that relies solely on my memory yet.  my first exam is on friday.  the first verbal exam is next week.  unless i suddenly am blessed with the gift of tongues, i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail both.  my stress class is interesting, and i'm doing well so far.  i think i'm just really ready to be done with school.

not that i know what i'll do once i'm done...that will take care of itself when i get to it.

today i feel invisible and out of the loop.  i'm not even sure there's a loop to feel out of...i guess it just feels like i've been spending a lot of time alone again and i don't know why.  i feel like people are doing things but forgetting or neglecting to invite me.  i've been trying not to think about it; pretending i'm alone of my own decision and choice...but really it's because i feel like no one cares if i'm around or not.  i don't want to be where i'm not wanted...i guess i just wish i was wanted somewhere.  i saw Will for about 20 minutes in a class yesterday but otherwise it's been over a week since we were significantly together.  i hate weeks like that.  it wasn't so bad i guess, it was a busy week...but it's continuing now and i have no idea when we will be significantly together again.  even his texts are fewer and further between...

just over a month ago i was really struggling with my depression and anxiety.  i sent him a text saying that i wasn't getting any better so i was going to disappear for a while, then turned off my phone and left it at home when i went to work.  when i got home his car was parked in front of my house.  he had sent me a text telling me that he cared and i wasn't being fair and if i disappeared he would hunt me down.  i guess it scared him a little, he was really worried about me.  i just don't want to be a burden.  i wasn't going to actually go anywhere, i have work and school and no money; i was just trying to let him know i wouldn't be bothering him like i had been, needing to talk with him every day. 

i think today if i did just disappear, without saying anything this time, he wouldn't even notice...he may even be relieved.  i don't know.  he doesn't seem to need me at all.  he hasn't even really wanted me around...although he did ask if i was going to the class yesterday, so i guess he thought of me for a second at least...but then he was gone.  i had to leave early for an interview in a different room and it took longer than i expected so the class was over by the time i was done.  i hoped he would stick around but he had somewhere else to be...i think probably with that loop i mentioned before.  oh well.  i miss him and if he really is going away i'll let him go this time.  maybe someone will come along to fill the void...maybe it'll finally be someone who actually really loves me. 
i know Will cares, but i really want to be loved, adored, appreciated, and wanted. 
am i asking too much? probably. 
so maybe i better just disappear and forget about everyone. 
become completely self-reliant; who needs people anyway?

oh yeah, i do.

is it really disappearing if no one notices you're gone?