what do you do when you feel yourself falling but there's nothing to hold on to? just release, let yourself fall. tensing will only make you crack when you hit the ground.
i stopped crying. now i'm wrapped in apathy. my brain is foggy and my heart is constricted. i just want to sleep. when i can't sleep anymore i pull my knees to my chest and stare at the tv. it's my choice, right? well, i choose isolation.
it started months ago. will and la-t chose queen bee over me, and qb doesn't like me, so i'm out. i fought for will because i couldn't stand to lose my last happy thought. i tried to be friends with qb and her horde of worker bees. i wracked my brain and did everything i could to fit in and be accepted into the hive. but it never worked. i'm an outsider. i was tolerated when will let me in but never actually wanted.
so, i've decided to stop trying. i'm accepting that i'm not a bee welcome in this hive. in fact, i'm not a bee at all.
will's a morpher. he can transform into whatever he needs to be to fit in. he doesn't on purpose, it just comes naturally to him. i can't fault him for it. he goes where he wants, when he wants. he does what he wants regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels or wants.
he wanted us there so he invited us, last minute, without really thinking anything through. qb didn't want us there. she set it up from the start to exclude us. i told him it's okay, and it is. i had a better time at a party with people who wanted me there than i would have had with them (even with will there). i'm letting go. it's most likely the drug-induced apathy, but whatever it is, it dulls the pain.
i'm checking out. most people will be better off without me around; that's obvious because they've been perfectly fine without me for the last month and a half (and longer). i'm tired of wanting to be with people who don't want me around. it's exhausting to care so much about people who care nothing for me. with a few exceptions, i openly accept people. i try to befriend people. why can't we all just get along? why can't we all just open our arms to each other and be content together? why do we have to exclude and shun people who maybe aren't quite the same? now and then i do it too, that's why i say "we," no one is perfect, no one can love everyone all the time.
i'm falling. i'm not sure if i jumped, was pushed, or if it was some sort of accident (a slip or a stumble). all i know is that i'm falling and i can't find anything to hold on to. i want to go to church. i want to rely on God. i want to put into practice all the things i've studied and been taught. but i can't seem to get up the motivation to do what needs to be done. i just want to forget about everything and let myself fall forever. that doesn't work though. there's always a bottom, always a sudden thud at the end. i'm just waiting to hit.
i don't care today. i don't want to see or talk to anyone. i don't even want to see will. i'm letting go. i know he cares, he says he needs me but i don't see why or how. he'll probably benefit the most from my absence. i'm still here if he needs me, i'm just not allowing myself to need him anymore. i'm not allowing myself to need anyone anymore. i need to see myself as in control. will unwittingly gave me permission to fall apart and i jumped on it. but now i can't stop. it has to be my choice. but i don't know how to make that choice. it's up to me. no one else can do it for me. only i can choose to do what is necessary. a good support system would be nice, but at this point i don't know that it would make much difference.
i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but i don't know how to say what i need to say in order for her to know how to help me. i don't know what's really wrong. i don't know the root, all i know is that i'm apathetic and exhausted.
i didn't go to church today because i didn't have anything to wear, or any energy to shower and fix my hair. i want to quit and give up. i want to be done. there's nothing anyone else can do to help me, and i don't have the energy or desire to help myself.
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