vagrant tears

curled up on my couch, weeping again.  it's because i've been ill, and because i'm afraid of failing my exams tomorrow.  it's because i'm so very tired.  that's all.  it's not because i'm alone, or because for a brief, exquisite moment i let myself hope that i wouldn't be alone tonight.  truly, it's not.

i'm watching Jane Eyre.  of all the movies in all the world, why did i choose this? the story of a girl no one wanted being loved by an unavailable man...in the end, all works out and they are allowed to love. though they aren't really telling the story correctly and they've left out some very important scenes.

i don't feel well.  almost every time i helped a customer at work today i burst into a fit of coughs.  my nose is raw and red.  my eyes are tired and red.  my upper lip is swollen with blisters (and i've just discovered that one is forming toward the corner of my mouth on my lower lip).  why would i invite someone over to see me in this condition?  oh, right, because i don't want to be alone.  there was an invitation but i don't have the energy to drive...or to be in a place that makes me anxious (which is where he's watching thursday night tv).  that loop that has no opening for me.  his plans were set and i was invited only because i asked for a bit of his time.  i'll let him go.  he's made his choice of where he'd rather be.  i learned, finally, from holding on too long elsewhere, that when someone turns away, it's best to let them go, let them vacate the space so that someone else, someone more fitting can fill the emptiness.  i don't want him to go, but i don't have the energy or the heart to fight for someone who forgets me so easily.  i haven't been willing to give him the time to miss me because i've been too afraid that he wouldn't.  now it doesn't matter.  i'm tired of holding on.  i'm so very tired.  my love tank, like my arms, is empty and i'm just so tired.

tomorrow i'll organize a movie night.  The Artist has a girlfriend and he wants her to feel comfortable around his friends.  she's been to a bonfire and a Conference breakfast with us, she's very sweet and beautiful and she seems to like us alright.  she could be the one!  i hope she is, because i want him to be happy; he seems happy with her.

i've run out of things to say.  i'm sorry that i'm complaining again.  one of these days i'll have happier things to write about.  right now i feel a little friendless, so i'm sending my thoughts out into the void and hoping that one of these days love will come to collect and repay all my vagrant tears.