he plans his dates in advance, but all interactions with me are spur of the moment. how am i supposed to feel like i'm at all important to him? i have never understood why dates take precedence over friendship. it's more efficient to keep good relations with your friends because inevitably they are the ones you return to when the relationship ends. if you blow off your friends because of dates they may not be there for you when you need them. except, i'm just stupid enough to stick around. he doesn't have the consideration to even notice.
i got used to spending a lot of time with Will. i felt like he needed me, maybe not as much as i needed him, but comparatively. now he's all consumed in dating with complete disregard for our friendship...even though i've tried to communicate my feelings. he says he cares, but his actions don't really uphold that statement. i feel blown off and unimportant. it's hurtful and irritating.
one person. why can't i have just one person who really understands what i'm going through, AND loves me enough to go through it with me. Will really understands, but, despite how much he says he cares, clearly his actions suggest otherwise.
i keep hoping. why can't i just give up? why do i keep hoping? the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. maybe i should lock myself up. maybe i should check myself into a mental institution and just admit defeat. i was better. now i'm afraid i'm getting worse than ever. i don't know what to do. talking doesn't help anymore. if i told my therapist what i really think and feel, if i was totally honest, they'd probably lock me up anyway. maybe i am bi-polar. my moods are swinging further to the extremes these days. it felt like a good day. then i started trying to plan for the week and now i'm depressed again and wishing God would just take me home. at least i'm not crying uncontrollably again...not yet.
it's cruel. it's really cruel. i finally found something that makes me happier than i've ever been, i had him for a while, completely to myself more often than not. i started to improve, but not enough for this. i'm not ready. but now, my fears are realized and he's as good as gone. he doesn't really care. if he did he would be more considerate. but no one is considerate these days. no one really cares about anyone but themselves. me included i suppose.
i'm so alone. i can't catch a break. i can't get away from myself. but everyone else can...and they do. i'm trying to rely on God, but i feel like he's abandoned me too. i can't figure it out on my own, but i'm completely on my own. i need too many things that i just don't have. money, insurance, an adequate support system...just to name a few.
so tired of pretending. so tired of lying. so tired of "fake it till you make it." news flash, faking doesn't lead to solutions in this case, it just drives me closer to the edge. i'm so stressed anyway, then add pretending and lying on top of that? you try being me for a day then tell me to "fake it..."
my brain is broken and i don't know why. i don't have the resources to figure it out. i don't know what to do. i don't have anyone who can help me. i don't know what to do. i don't know what to do.
i can't blame him. he has his own troubles. he doesn't need mine too. i need him. he needs to date (it's a good distraction for him if nothing else). my needs (as usual) are less important than anyone else's. i hate being me. i hate being the friend that no one sees how valuable i could be. all i need is love and the freedom to give my love. that's the solution. it's so simple...and so impossible. i love him, so i'll let him go. that's the only answer my broken brain can come up with. it's a solution for him, not for me. there is no solution for me.
i need a vacation. i need to get away. i need to turn everything off and just get away. no one will miss me. i've been almost gone for weeks, months, and no one notices, no one really cares.
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