i've been spending a lot more time alone recently. i'm getting back to being content on my own...though i think it's mainly due to the medication. it's more of an apathy. i haven't done much uncontrollable sobbing this week, that's an improvement i suppose. the tears have been pretty dry altogether actually. the last few days have been especially clear and rational. i was confronted with a couple of situations that a week and a half ago would have sent me into a flood, but i got through them without too much trouble.
i was a wreck last sunday. i didn't get out of bed until noon then after faking it through two visiting teaching appointments, i went and sat by the river and wrote in my journal. most of the time i was begging god to take me home and not make me stay any longer. no one was there. no one cared. no one saw my distress. then bestest friend came to the rescue. she did what i needed. she came from north salt lake and sat with me. she listened. she stayed with me. she reminded me why i hold on. most of the time, i hold on just for her. i spent most of monday afternoon and evening with her too.
tuesday i worked just over 8 hours because my coworker went home with a backache and i had to cover for her. i was okay with it though. i really need the money and i just worked on price changes most of the day. i went home and watched House. the artist asked if i wanted to watch captain america sometime soon. i told him we could wednesday or thursday. he said wednesday was best so i sent out a text to see who could come. i didn't get a lot of response but will said he'd come if he didn't have a date.
he came.
for one evening it was almost like old times. the artist, will, another old guy friend, and one female friend...and me. all people who care about me. all people who love me just the way i am. all people who wanted to be with me. people who know me, understand me, and are truly there for me. it felt so good to be with people who sincerely wanted to be with me.
thursday was good. i worked another 8 hour shift, covering for a different coworker. i stayed up too late working on a couple of papers. friday i was tired, but okay. i went home from school and curled up on the couch. i watched house until i realized i wasn't paying attention anymore. i got pola and we went to leatherby's for some ice cream then met will at walmart. he had called me thursday night while i was at work and said he wanted to ask me something. we didn't talk until friday night before pola and i went to leatherby's. he said they were going to his cabin saturday evening and told me i should come after work. i said i probably would...but then he text me and asked if i could bring a date. "it's kind of a couples thing" he said. i told him i couldn't make it. it was planned. it had been planned for quite a while and i was not invited. he didn't plan it. queen bee was the driving force. she's the one who didn't want me or pola there. i don't know for sure, but i don't think la-t was invited either. will wanted us there. when i told him i didn't have enough gas he said he'd give me money to buy some. i told him i didn't want to be where i'm not wanted. he said he wanted me there. i said he was the only one who wanted me there or i would have been invited sooner. i told him i'm finally accepting the fact that i'm not going to be invited into the group and i'm tired of trying.
i have people who love me, people who genuinely want me around. they are the people who contact me regularly, a few of them nearly every day. they aren't a group. they are individuals. but that's okay. i don't need to be distracted by a group anymore. i need individuals i can trust to be there when i really need them. very few people fit that description. bestest friend and her husband, will, pola, the artist...and that's about it. these are the few who have stuck by me even when i'm at my worst. these are the day-to-day people, the only true friends i have. these are the people who understand.
after walmart on friday night, pola and i went to my house and watched some episodes of big bang theory. saturday morning i got up and spent some alone time with will. it was nice. we didn't really talk about anything...until we were almost back to his car. he apologized for his thoughtlessness the night before. he apologized for not making sure i was invited earlier. he told me he really wanted me to go with them to his cabin. i appreciated his apology. i told him i was sorry i couldn't go, but that i've finally accepted that they don't want me around and i'm okay with it. i told him i'll be there and be nice when he invites me but i can't sneak in where i know i'm not wanted anymore.
i fought for him months ago, even though i knew i should let go. he surprised me though, and turned out to be a really great friend. any other guy would have run away long ago. but he understands what i'm going through. he doesn't judge, he listens, he shows me he cares...and he's been there, all along. you know the moments when i panic and think he's going to leave? he's not. i'm terrified to trust him, because i'm terrified to trust anyone. but i do trust him. he's proven over and over that he cares and that he's not going away.
i need people i can trust; people who understand what i'm going through, or who at least love me enough to stay by my side, check in on me daily or at least a few times a week. i need people who are safe and who make me feel safe. i need people who will sit and stare at me until i tell them what's really on my mind. i need people who will reassure me over and over and over without getting annoyed or fed up. i need people who won't give up on me. bestest friend, will, the artist, and sometimes pola. they're the only ones who look for me until they find me when i disappear. they're the ones who know that i'm so much more than just the darkness and anxiety. they're the ones who know i'm a lot of fun, but also know how to make me talk when they recognize i need it. they are all i need. and i'm grateful they are who i have.
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