do you want the truth?

"how are you this day?" he sent the message on facebook.  he could have sent it in a text, or called...or come over...but he didn't really want to talk.  i haven't messaged back and i'm not going to.  i text a question last week and he said he wasn't in a chatty mood, so i left him alone.  a couple hours later he messaged me on facebook.  i messaged back but got no response.  i heard nothing from him for three days.  last night i couldn't stand the silence so i asked if we could talk.  he said he'd call but i didn't want to talk on the phone.  he didn't have time for me.  he was just fitting me in.  i'm not important, i'm not necessary, i'm worthless.

i don't know what i did, but i seem to be doing it to everyone.  no one wants me around anymore.

i don't know if it's me...or the drugs...or a combination of both...but it's getting worse.  i go to school but have no real interest and little to no significant contact with anyone.  i go to work and make it through the shift (work is better because i'm playing a role so it's easier to lie; it's professional, not personal).  the rest of the time i'm at home, hiding in my cave, praying that God will help, just take me home, or take the rest of my sanity so i can off myself. 

it's better when i'm with people, but there are fewer and fewer people who want to be around me.  that could just be the paranoia that seems to have intensified.  ampo is the only one who has reason to avoid me.  i may have raised my voice a bit when he wasn't out of bed when i arrived at her house with my dad's truck to help her move a table...i guess i'm the jerk after all...the person always willing to help someone in need...or just in want.

i'm locking myself away so i don't get upset when other people are inconsiderate...

so when the doc asks me if i'm irritable, i should say yes.  and when he asks about the crying i need to tell him the dam has sprung a leak.  my head hurts more.  all i want to do is sleep and watch tv.  i don't even want to eat.

when i was surrounded by people i thought cared, i was better.  now i have almost no one and i'm nearly catatonic at times.  what's the point of living when no one cares you're alive?  people say they care, but they don't visit, don't invite me to things...words are cheap and useless without action.  if someone would show a genuine interest in my existence, it would really help.  but no one cares.

so, what do i say when people ask, "how are you?"
they don't really want the truth.  they want me to say i'm fantastic, wonderful, never better.
if i say, "not so good" they feel obligated to ask if there's anything they can do. 
nope. it doesn't count if i have to tell you...it's just obligation. 

what do you want when you are feeling down, forgotten, unwanted?  you want someone to SHOW they care that you are alive and significant in their life.  thursday, friday and saturday last week i didn't get a single text from anyone.  la-t text me on sunday saying it was good to see me in church.  that was nice and i appreciate her kindness.  i have bestest friend, i've been spending a lot of time at her house.  thursday wasn't so bad because i hung out with bestest friend and shygirl.  but friday's silence killed me, especially since i was supposed to be going to a concert with will but he never mentioned to me that it was sold out...or that there was another one scheduled for tonight.  i only know that because he posted it on another friend's wall on facebook.  i'm sure he never intended to hurt me.  he didn't even think of me at all.  but that's what hurts the most.  you think about the people you care about.  you respond to the people you care about.  to talk to the people you care about.

i keep asking him the same questions over and over because i don't trust that he's telling me the truth when he says he cares.  i don't trust him because of moments like this.  moments when his actions speak louder than his words.

i need people to be happy.  i don't need people to survive.  so i'll survive.  i care too much about other people to inflict them with my wretchedness.  will has had enough crazy in his life.  when i found out he understood i should have made him leave.  but i needed someone who understood.  i need him.  i need someone and he's been better than anyone with understanding and sticking around.  but he's getting better and i'm getting worse.  he convinced me to take the drugs and i've only gone downhill.  the more distance there is between us, the worse i get.  i can't depend on him and he deserves better than having to deal with me.  so i'm not going to respond.  it's for his good.  i want him to be happy, even if it means i wish i could blow out my brains to make my head stop throbbing, or rip out my heart to make the pain go away.

i know it sounds dramatic, but you're not in my head, you can't feel my pain.
please don't ask me how i am.  i don't have the energy to lie anymore and i don't want your obligatory pity.  if you genuinely care, show me.  don't ask me.