i wish i knew

i seem to be in the process of isolating myself.  it's curious.  i'm not sure whether or not it's a good sign.  on the one hand, it's good that i'm not dependent on other people for my sanity, well-being, or entertainment...on the other hand, a prolonged lack of companionship, or complete isolation can cause bigger issues.  if i'm introverting due to fear, anxiety, or as a way of hiding from others, or simply because it's easier than being with people, that's probably not good.  if i'm introverting because i'm recentering myself in order to be a more effective and useful citizen of the planet, that's okay.

i'm afraid i'm hiding out.  i'm afraid i've become so overwhelmed by life and certain people that i'm burrowing into my hole in order to escape the stress of not knowing what to do.  i'm trying to convince myself that i don't need others for my stability and security...and i'm accepting that no one will really be at all (at least negatively) affected by my absence.

i don't know where to be.  school is okay.  work is fine (they like me there and i feel competent there).  but socially, and as far as church goes, i still feel like i don't have a place anywhere.  socially, whatever, i've accepted that i don't need to be part of a group and that it's probably better for me to cultivate my individual relationships instead of trying to assimilate into an existing social group or create a new one.  alone time, one-on-one time, groups of three or four...that's good enough for me for now. 

but church...i really need to figure that one out.  i need to go to church.  my avoidance has nothing to do with the doctrine or my testimony...it's about my anxiety.  i don't know where to go where i won't be overwhelmed by my anxiety.  i don't have a place, i don't fit in anywhere, and i can't seem to find the courage to push through and just go where i'm assigned.  i don't need someone to hold my hand...well, that would help, but ya know...i just need a place that feels safe.  church should feel safe, right?  i know i need to force myself to go next week.  i just don't know how.  i don't know what would help.