i've never been very good at taking care of myself. i've always been a bleeding heart; trying so hard to take care of everyone else to the detriment of myself. there must be a way of taking care of others and myself...but i'm on a teeter-totter, sometimes taking care of me, sometimes taking care of others. i need a balance beam. i need to put blocks under both sides to stop the all-or-nothing, one up means the other must be down way of living. friendship isn't meant to be a teeter-totter. ideal friendship is balanced, both giving, both receiving, a relatively equal share to both people in the relationship. ups and downs are normal, but they shouldn't be constant, and in good friendships, there are more ups than downs when we work together.
i've been irritable recently. i've been letting my irritation show a little more than i usually do. i'm tired of feeling like people are taking me for granted, feeling like i allow them to walk all over me and disregard my feelings. i'm hyper sensitive right now and it's put me on edge...and on the defensive. i don't feel safe most of the time these days. the only place i feel truly safe is with Will or The Artist.
Will convinced me to go tonight. i felt anxious and uncomfortable at first, certain i'd made a mistake. i wanted to run away when they said we were going to break into pairs. certain i'd be the odd one out that no one care if i came back or not, my game plan was to slip away silently and just go home. but i forced myself to stay and ended up with Will and La-T. as usual, being with Will diffused my anxiety (though it did take a little longer than normal after the punch in the gut i'd gotten earlier from ampo). La-T seemed genuinely glad to see me. and i was genuinely glad to see her. i stuck pretty close to Will all night, but i felt comfortable with most (maybe even all) the other people who were there.
while i was at work i started thinking about tonight and my anxiety started to rise. it's been a few weeks since i've been anywhere near queen bee. i told Will after last week's cabin fiasco that i had finally decided that i didn't need them to like me, i didn't need to fit in. i text Will from work, told him i was feeling skittish and asked if i was just being paranoid and insecure. he said i was just being paranoid, it would be fun and i should go. after the altercation with ampo i text Will again and said it was a bad day and i was afraid of dissolving into tears if i went so i better not go. he told me to breathe, eat some ice cream and watch some Big Bang. i did, felt better enough to get in my car and drive toward queen bee's. i got there at the same time as my hometeacher and his fantastically fun girlfriend. i was relieved to not have to walk in alone.
i don't know if Will said something, or if tonight was just a good night, but i actually felt accepted by pretty much everyone there...even qb. maybe it's because i stopped caring if they wanted me there or not. maybe because i've been getting to know them as individuals (with two of them as my hometeachers, and one a visiting teaching companion) instead of seeing them as an impenetrable whole. they accept me and are kind to me on an individual basis, so when we're all together, i can see them as those individuals instead of qb's minions. i know, it's an unfair and inaccurate judgement. i'm sorry i didn't see it or figure it out to begin with. it felt like my childhood, the popular kids allowing me around in order to use me then dropkick me as soon as i was no longer useful. or...just not paying any attention to me at all.
i've been trying to stop fighting the inevitable changes. i've been working on being okay with being alone. i've been working on setting boundaries that allow me to take care of myself so that i'll be able to open my heart to others without the fear of it being crushed and torn to bits again. i've been working on enjoying my family. i've been working on not being so dependent on Will. i've been working on being more positive (at least outwardly). i hit rock bottom, but now i'm looking up.
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