brighter

i'm not really sure what happened.  maybe it was tuesday night when The Artist came over and we went to dinner and watched some episodes of Community.  maybe it was wednesday night when Will came over after he got off work.  maybe it was the fun tri-birthday party i went to after i got off work on friday.  maybe it's that i have only one more final till this semester's over.  maybe it was my coworkers, talking with my psychiatrist, or La-T inviting me to go with her and some other girls to a concert (even though i had to work and couldn't go, i really appreciated the invitation).  maybe it was realizing that i like to cook and i've decided to make that a new hobby.  maybe it was buying two new pair of pants. maybe it was...i don't know...but whatever it was, i'm grateful.  this week was a lot better than the last few weeks have been.

i'm making plans.  i'm working more.  i'm one semester from graduating.  i'm glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel.  i'm learning to accept what i can't change and change what i can.

sometime this week i unblocked the weasel from fb.  i looked him up and saw that he is uglier than i remember, he's gained weight, and all his posts are about sports.  i guess that was part of the closure i needed because i feel a lot lighter.  i don't need to think about him or worry about him anymore.

The Artist still wants to hang out even though he's dating someone.  Will said we're still friends and he still wants to do things too, even though he's involved with someone.  when i start to panic i really need to remember to just ask for a minute or two, or just tell him i'm afraid and he'll remind me it's okay.

i wish i had someone who wanted to be with me every day.  i wish i had someone who paid attention and could help me see when i'm starting to panic, or when i'm being irrational, then they could help me differentiate and distinguish the truth.  no one is with me enough to notice when i'm not myself.  i guess i have to figure out how to figure it out and fix it on my own.  it's okay.  i'll do it.  i'll figure it out one of these days.

the important thing is that i'm feeling better today and this should be a good week.