tonight while sitting alone beside the pool, watching everyone else playing in the water, my notebook open and pen poised, the words that came were ones of advice i wish i'd been given as a child.
if i could go back in time and give my younger self one piece of advice it would be
take care of your body:
no matter how emotionally empty you feel, food will never be the solution
no matter how sad or depressed you are, sugar & caffeine will no make it better
stretch daily
wash your hair, but not too much
get involved in sports, dancing, or some activity where you learn discipline, teamwork, and fitness
brush and floss every daysleep, but not too much
take particularly good care of your eyes, skin, and feet
drink plenty of water
run around outside and/or ride a bike, on a regular basis
if you could go back and give your child-self one piece of advice, what would it be?
30 July 2011
26 July 2011
Books Books Books
Yesterday Chelle came and took me to Fort Union for a movie. We had some time before the available showing so we stopped in at my favorite place in all the world: Barnes & Noble!
I don't drink coffee but I love the smell of it, especially when it is combined with the deliciously musty smell of paper and binding. The first thing I do when I enter a B&N is breathe in deeply, inviting the familiar scent to completely infiltrate my nostrils.
Generally I begin in the bargain section (since they are the first shelves you come to upon entering. Yesterday my routine was disrupted and instead I started in the back with Shakespeare. I only glanced across the plays and commentaries before rounding the corner to the poetry section. To my great surprise and delight, the Fort Union Barnes and Noble had a full two bookcases full of poetry books! Much better than the two unlabeled shelves squished between sci-fi and western novels at another location. After spending some time thumbing through any collections that caught my attention, I wandered up toward the bargain stacks but diverted my attention toward a table display of Barnes & Noble Leatherbound Classics.
The name Ray Bradbury caught my eye and I pulled the book from the small plastic easel and randomly opened to a page in the middle of the story The Illustrated Man. I paged backward until I came to the introduction of the story. I haven't read any of Bradbury's stories. In 2009, however, in the very first class I took from Dr. Vause, he read some passages from Zen in the Art of Writing and I was completely captivated. The paragraph or so of the introduction to The Illustrated Man, affected me the same way. Ray Bradbury is now on my list of near future reads.
After replacing the book on its small pedestal, I turned to find the New Release Fiction shelves directly to my right. A title caught my attention so I started picking up books and reading the covers, flipping through the pages. I pulled out my phone and created a list of the books.
The Little Women Letters by Gabrielle Donnelly
The Traitor's Emblem by Juan Gomez-Jurado
22 Britannia Road by Amanda Hodgkinson
Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman
The Peach Keeper by Sarah Addison Allen
The Upright Piano Player by David Abbott
Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok
The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown
Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford
Just to name a few. I'd like to get around to reading each of these, plus about a million others. I just finished Bid Time Return and am now reading I Am Legend, both by Richard Matheson, and Persuasion by Jane Austen.
I had forgotten how much I love reading. I guess I was a little burned out for a while, after all the reading that has been required for school. But my plunge back into stories began last month when we read The Hunger Games for book group. Those books shook me up.
Recently the need to pull back and spend more time alone has increased as friends have become less available. I'd rather not spend so much time by myself, but reading makes it much more enjoyable! And now, with the aforementioned list, I have plenty to keep me occupied. :)
I don't drink coffee but I love the smell of it, especially when it is combined with the deliciously musty smell of paper and binding. The first thing I do when I enter a B&N is breathe in deeply, inviting the familiar scent to completely infiltrate my nostrils.
Generally I begin in the bargain section (since they are the first shelves you come to upon entering. Yesterday my routine was disrupted and instead I started in the back with Shakespeare. I only glanced across the plays and commentaries before rounding the corner to the poetry section. To my great surprise and delight, the Fort Union Barnes and Noble had a full two bookcases full of poetry books! Much better than the two unlabeled shelves squished between sci-fi and western novels at another location. After spending some time thumbing through any collections that caught my attention, I wandered up toward the bargain stacks but diverted my attention toward a table display of Barnes & Noble Leatherbound Classics.
The name Ray Bradbury caught my eye and I pulled the book from the small plastic easel and randomly opened to a page in the middle of the story The Illustrated Man. I paged backward until I came to the introduction of the story. I haven't read any of Bradbury's stories. In 2009, however, in the very first class I took from Dr. Vause, he read some passages from Zen in the Art of Writing and I was completely captivated. The paragraph or so of the introduction to The Illustrated Man, affected me the same way. Ray Bradbury is now on my list of near future reads.
After replacing the book on its small pedestal, I turned to find the New Release Fiction shelves directly to my right. A title caught my attention so I started picking up books and reading the covers, flipping through the pages. I pulled out my phone and created a list of the books.
The Little Women Letters by Gabrielle Donnelly
The Traitor's Emblem by Juan Gomez-Jurado
22 Britannia Road by Amanda Hodgkinson
Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman
The Peach Keeper by Sarah Addison Allen
The Upright Piano Player by David Abbott
Girl in Translation by Jean Kwok
The Weird Sisters by Eleanor Brown
Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford
Just to name a few. I'd like to get around to reading each of these, plus about a million others. I just finished Bid Time Return and am now reading I Am Legend, both by Richard Matheson, and Persuasion by Jane Austen.
I had forgotten how much I love reading. I guess I was a little burned out for a while, after all the reading that has been required for school. But my plunge back into stories began last month when we read The Hunger Games for book group. Those books shook me up.
Recently the need to pull back and spend more time alone has increased as friends have become less available. I'd rather not spend so much time by myself, but reading makes it much more enjoyable! And now, with the aforementioned list, I have plenty to keep me occupied. :)
22 July 2011
On second thought...
people are way more fun than being a recluse! I'd rather live than write in this moment anyway. I'll become a recluse when everyone else is married and I've saved up enough money to buy a villa in Italy somewhere. That's a much better place to write anyway :)
Off to the cabin. Maybe Sunday or Monday I'll write about The Decemberists concert and the cabin and whatever other adventures I find myself in this weekend.
Off to the cabin. Maybe Sunday or Monday I'll write about The Decemberists concert and the cabin and whatever other adventures I find myself in this weekend.
20 July 2011
I'm thinking of becoming a recluse...
Writing was my thing, my lifeline, my identity. I was a writer. I can't claim to be a writer now because I barely write at all. I have nothing to write about. My life has become boring. My heart is forever scarred but I've written my pain into apathy. That story is worn out, cliche, irrelevant.
I'm tired of the past, it's dead and gone and I want to bury it six feet under and forget most of it ever happened. Really, more than anything, I wish I could get amnesia and literally forget everything before this moment. Even the good memories hurt tonight.
The other day at work a customer bought a plaque with a quote from Dr. Seuss that said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I know I should take this as my motto, I have had a lot of experiences that I could smile about; but right now, at the end of one of the best ever, it hurts too much to smile about. I'm not ready for it to end. I've known the end was coming and I've tried so hard to hold on to and savor ever second but the loneliness of the last couple weeks proves that the era is over.
Book, movie, and television characters have reclaimed their position as my most reliable companions. The trouble, though, is that they are not as captivating as they once were. When I was younger these were my best friends, sometimes, my only friends. Now that I have been nearly constantly surrounded by real, interactive, tangible people, the non-responsive ones on the screen or the page are not enough.
It used to be that if the movies and books didn't provide the companionship I craved, I could slip into my own imagination and create for myself the world for which I ached. So many hours of my life have been survived, even enjoyed through writing and daydreaming. Now I can't conjure up anything but a ghost-like whisper; no more than a second or two of reprieve. Daydreams are myths, stories and poems distant memories.
Reality got in the way.
It was easier to imagine before I experienced anything. I used to think that in order to write well, you had to write from what you've lived. Now it seems that life stole and destroyed my imagination and my ability to write anything of worth.
Maybe reclusive writing is the way to go after all.
I'm tired of the past, it's dead and gone and I want to bury it six feet under and forget most of it ever happened. Really, more than anything, I wish I could get amnesia and literally forget everything before this moment. Even the good memories hurt tonight.
The other day at work a customer bought a plaque with a quote from Dr. Seuss that said, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I know I should take this as my motto, I have had a lot of experiences that I could smile about; but right now, at the end of one of the best ever, it hurts too much to smile about. I'm not ready for it to end. I've known the end was coming and I've tried so hard to hold on to and savor ever second but the loneliness of the last couple weeks proves that the era is over.
Book, movie, and television characters have reclaimed their position as my most reliable companions. The trouble, though, is that they are not as captivating as they once were. When I was younger these were my best friends, sometimes, my only friends. Now that I have been nearly constantly surrounded by real, interactive, tangible people, the non-responsive ones on the screen or the page are not enough.
It used to be that if the movies and books didn't provide the companionship I craved, I could slip into my own imagination and create for myself the world for which I ached. So many hours of my life have been survived, even enjoyed through writing and daydreaming. Now I can't conjure up anything but a ghost-like whisper; no more than a second or two of reprieve. Daydreams are myths, stories and poems distant memories.
Reality got in the way.
It was easier to imagine before I experienced anything. I used to think that in order to write well, you had to write from what you've lived. Now it seems that life stole and destroyed my imagination and my ability to write anything of worth.
Maybe reclusive writing is the way to go after all.
17 July 2011
Alone Time
It wasn't my first choice. In fact, I wouldn't have chosen it on my own, not with my recent mindset, but it happened all the same. I had to work when he was free; she was busy when I wanted her undivided attention; headaches, allergies, dates (on their part, not mine), short hours at work...et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So, what it boils down to is that this week left me spending a lot of time alone.
Now, I have to admit that I'm sure there were a lot of people I could have called who would have been more than willing to spend some of that time with me...but for various reasons, I came to realize that although I've been avoiding it for months, what I really did need was to be on my own.
Alone has come to be something of a swear word for me over the last year or so. Any extended period of alone time (particularly in the evening), has sent me into anxious and depressed spirals. I can't really go into detail, the reasons don't really matter much anyway because they are generally based in incorrect perspectives. A lot of it is rooted in various forms of fear and insecurity. I've given in too much to the lies and deception of the Dark Side, and it's easier to see the truth when I'm with other people. The shadows and fears are strongest when I'm alone.
This week, though, something changed. Monday and Tuesday began with texts from Will, asking if I was free to just chill, hang out at his place and read, watch a movie, talk, whatever. His requests reminded me how far our friendship has come in the last few months, and gave me the extra nudge I needed to get through the day, even though I was working and unable to be with him...then he was busy by the time I was free. Wednesday I didn't work but he was busy and we barely communicated at all. I slept in, made cookies with Bestest Friend, then spent the rest of the day reading and watching movies. Pola came over around 9pm and we watched 6 and 7.1 of Harry Potter. Thursday I slept in, watched Valentine's Day, cried, had a little pity party, then went to work for a couple of hours. After work I didn't know what to do because I hadn't heard from Will at all, didn't feel like driving downtown to hang out with Pola, and The Artist wasn't available. I tried going to a movie, but the ones I wanted to see were sold out.
I went to Walmart to see if there were any good $5 movies, but while I was there I got a text from HeyPay telling me to come over and watch Harry Potter 7.1 with her, Pants and Chelle in preparation for us going to see 7.2 the next evening. Just after we started the movie I got a text from Will asking if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I stayed with the girls.
No work Friday, though I'm drawing a complete blank on what I did (I think I just watched movies, read, and wrote a blog post) until my nephews came over around 3:30 or 4pm. I played with them for a bit, ate dinner, then The Artist and Fozzy came over to ride with me to the theater for Harry Potter!
Saturday I worked for 3 hours before they sent me home because we didn't have enough customers. Pola asked me to run some errands with her but I didn't feel like being around people. I watched more movies and read instead. Then I went to hang out with Shygirl (I haven't seen her since April when she got married), then to watch HeyPay, Pants and Chelle perform a skit in their ward talent show.
It was Saturday when I realized I was actually feeling more content alone than with people. I didn't feel so anxious or lonely as I have, I didn't feel the need to text Will just to reassure myself that someone cared. I didn't feel the need to talk to anyone in order to calm my nerves or boost my spirits.
Maybe I'm coming up. Maybe I can make it after all. I have friends and people who love me, who like having me around, and who are there for me even through my darkness...but I can be content on my own as well.
I used to need my alone time. I used to be most content alone. Then things happened and I couldn't stand to be alone. Now I'm going to work on finding a balance and being content either way. I am still doing the distraction thing with the movies, books, music, and such, but I'm a big step closer to regaining my independence!
Now, I have to admit that I'm sure there were a lot of people I could have called who would have been more than willing to spend some of that time with me...but for various reasons, I came to realize that although I've been avoiding it for months, what I really did need was to be on my own.
Alone has come to be something of a swear word for me over the last year or so. Any extended period of alone time (particularly in the evening), has sent me into anxious and depressed spirals. I can't really go into detail, the reasons don't really matter much anyway because they are generally based in incorrect perspectives. A lot of it is rooted in various forms of fear and insecurity. I've given in too much to the lies and deception of the Dark Side, and it's easier to see the truth when I'm with other people. The shadows and fears are strongest when I'm alone.
This week, though, something changed. Monday and Tuesday began with texts from Will, asking if I was free to just chill, hang out at his place and read, watch a movie, talk, whatever. His requests reminded me how far our friendship has come in the last few months, and gave me the extra nudge I needed to get through the day, even though I was working and unable to be with him...then he was busy by the time I was free. Wednesday I didn't work but he was busy and we barely communicated at all. I slept in, made cookies with Bestest Friend, then spent the rest of the day reading and watching movies. Pola came over around 9pm and we watched 6 and 7.1 of Harry Potter. Thursday I slept in, watched Valentine's Day, cried, had a little pity party, then went to work for a couple of hours. After work I didn't know what to do because I hadn't heard from Will at all, didn't feel like driving downtown to hang out with Pola, and The Artist wasn't available. I tried going to a movie, but the ones I wanted to see were sold out.
I went to Walmart to see if there were any good $5 movies, but while I was there I got a text from HeyPay telling me to come over and watch Harry Potter 7.1 with her, Pants and Chelle in preparation for us going to see 7.2 the next evening. Just after we started the movie I got a text from Will asking if I wanted to watch a movie with him. I stayed with the girls.
No work Friday, though I'm drawing a complete blank on what I did (I think I just watched movies, read, and wrote a blog post) until my nephews came over around 3:30 or 4pm. I played with them for a bit, ate dinner, then The Artist and Fozzy came over to ride with me to the theater for Harry Potter!
Saturday I worked for 3 hours before they sent me home because we didn't have enough customers. Pola asked me to run some errands with her but I didn't feel like being around people. I watched more movies and read instead. Then I went to hang out with Shygirl (I haven't seen her since April when she got married), then to watch HeyPay, Pants and Chelle perform a skit in their ward talent show.
It was Saturday when I realized I was actually feeling more content alone than with people. I didn't feel so anxious or lonely as I have, I didn't feel the need to text Will just to reassure myself that someone cared. I didn't feel the need to talk to anyone in order to calm my nerves or boost my spirits.
Maybe I'm coming up. Maybe I can make it after all. I have friends and people who love me, who like having me around, and who are there for me even through my darkness...but I can be content on my own as well.
I used to need my alone time. I used to be most content alone. Then things happened and I couldn't stand to be alone. Now I'm going to work on finding a balance and being content either way. I am still doing the distraction thing with the movies, books, music, and such, but I'm a big step closer to regaining my independence!
15 July 2011
Sweet
What does it mean when someone calls you "sweet"? I was told twice in one week that I'm sweet. The first time "You are much too sweet to be depressed" in a message from a concerned friend. And the second time by a kindly old gentleman customer at work, "You are very sweet, even though you don't have any of the items I'm looking for."
I only smiled at the customer, apologizing that we didn't carry the books he wanted. To the friend, I replied, "I wish being sweet was all it took."
What does being sweet even have to do with being depressed? Was he saying that depressed people are not sweet? Or that sweet people don't deserve to be depressed? I'm just musing here. Sometimes I wonder how people see me, or what they see in me. I don't get a lot of feedback, positive or negative, on my personality or behavior, etc. I'd actually like to know what people think of me, and why they think what they think. It could help with my own self-evaluations.
So, what does "sweet" even mean?
Dictionary.com has a lot of definitions, here are some of the ones that may apply to me: 1. having or denoting a pleasant taste like that of sugar ~ Hmm, not sure about this one...no one has tasted me in over two years. ;-) And my friend who said this recently has never tasted me.
2. agreeable to the senses or the mind: sweet music ~ This one could be what he meant. I am rather agreeable most of the time. I can be soothing and comforting.
3. having pleasant manners; gentle: a sweet child ~ I do have rather pleasant manners.
4. (of wine, etc) having a relatively high sugar content; not dry ~ I do eat a lot of sugar sometimes, though my sense of humor is rather dry.
5. (of foods) not decaying or rancid: sweet milk ~ I certainly hope I'm not decaying or rancid, good grief!
6. not salty: sweet water ~ referring back to number 1, I suppose I'm sweet to the taste as long as I haven't been crying or sweating.
7. free from unpleasant odours: sweet air ~ I shower daily!
8. containing no corrosive substances: sweet soil ~ I try not to be corrosive (harmful or destructive), I try to build people up rather than tear them apart
10. sentimental or unrealistic ~ Oh for sure! I'm absolutely sentimental and unrealistic
13. slang ( Austral ) satisfactory or in order; all right ~ Yeah, not really me, eh?
14. archaic respected; dear (used in polite forms of address): sweet sir ~ I hope I'm respected and dear to others. And I do use terms of endearment.
15. smooth and precise; perfectly executed: a sweet shot ~ Sometimes perhaps. I try...
16. sweet on fond of or infatuated with ~ not really applicable here...although, I did have a crush on this friend at one point.
17. keep someone sweet to ingratiate oneself in order to ensure cooperation ~ Yep, I'm a people pleaser, for sure. And, I hope that by being kind and friendly others will be kind and friendly to me.
Synonyms: affectionate, agreeable, amiable, angelic, appealing, attractive, beautiful, beloved, charming, cherished, companionable, considerate, darling, dear, dearest, delectable, delicious, delightful, dulcet, engaging, fair, generous, gentle, good-humored, good-natured, heavenly, lovable, loving, luscious, mild, mushy, patient, pet, pleasant, pleasing, precious, reasonable, saccharine, sweet-tempered, sympathetic, tender, thoughtful, treasured, unselfish, winning, winsome.
Hmm, I don't know, what do you think? Does that sound like me?
I guess being sweet is a good thing, generally speaking anyway. I haven't been so sweet recently though...I got tired of being used and trampled. When did being sweet ever get me anywhere?
I don't know what to be.
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