his car was sitting in front of my house when i got home from work. i told him i was going away for a while then turned off my phone and left it at home when i went to work. he didn't like that idea. he tried calling and texting. he said he would hunt me down. he said he cares and that disappearing wouldn't be fair to him. so i guess he's not leaving after all.
everyone leaves. everyone except bestest friend...and Will.
i write. i'm not so good at talking about things, especially if i'm feeling anxious about it. i've been so tied up over things concerning him, but trying not to be "girly" about it, and so i've been too afraid to talk. he said to stop and just talk to him about anything, any time. i need to overcome my fears, if not for myself then for him. he really deserves more credit than my anxiety gives him. he has come through for me so much, especially over the last few months, i don't deserve his generosity and kindness. but i'm so inexplicably grateful for him.
he fights my dragons. he even said he kind of wishes the weasel would come back so he could punch him in the nose and scare him away for good. i've never had a guy stand up for me like that. he made dinner (curry), and creme brulee (twice because he didn't do it right the first time). he watches movies with me, reads books, even discusses Shakespeare. he really is the best guy friend i've ever had. The Artist is very nearly tied, but he's never made dinner for me, and he knew the weasel and didn't see the danger i was in...so i'll have to rank him half a notch below Will. i'm very grateful for them both.
anyway, i need to re-learn to talk. if i have to write it down, i should read it to him in person instead of sending it to him. we talked all about things tonight. we'll find a way to compromise. we're learning; we'll get there.
i hate that the adversary knows my buttons. people are where he attacks, my relationship with people is where he knows he can get me. i'm insecure with so many episodes of rejection and abandonment that the slightest hint can set me spinning.
when he left tonight, he hugged me (a little longer and tighter than normal) and told me he loves me and just wants me to be happy. i told him i'm working on it. his friendship makes me happy. the idea of losing his friendship makes me lose my mind. i've never known anyone like him and i need him to stick around...for a very long time.
i realized tonight that part of my trouble has been that i've been putting expectations on him. i have a picture in my mind of the "perfect friend" and i've been trying to make him fit into that image. but he's not that person. he has qualities i never thought to imagine. and while there are a few he lacks that i wish he had, i'll start appreciating him for all he is and stop comparing him to a fantasy. it seems to me that a lesson to be learned here is that sometimes we look so hard for what we think we want that we don't see that something better is right in front of us.
so, when i start panicking again, remind me that he cares about me, and just to talk about it.
31 August 2011
regrouping
i used to be a loner. it was my choice...sort of. the depression was bad, the headaches were bad, and most people didn't notice me anyway. on the rare occasions when people did invite me around, i used the headaches as an excuse to not go.
in college i decided i was tired of being alone all the time and broke out of the confines i had created for myself, and made friends. i had a lot of friends for a while. we were together all the time, busy with fun activities every day. one of the happiest times of my life.
then things changed, as they do in life. we graduated, some people got married, others went off to pursue further education, and others just went their own way. i moved to cedar city for a while, and when i came back, everything was different. i started making a few new friends, then dated Bobpi. i was never alone (even though at that point i wanted to be alone so i could recover from the weasel). not long after Bobpi and i broke up, i got involved in my ward and made a lot of great new friends. we were tight, and it was like the previous group was reincarnated with different faces. they were a great distraction from the depression and for just over a year, i was the happiest i've ever been. almost never alone.
then, it all fell apart. the crumbling was gradual. a person or two here and there stopped coming around, stopped talking. over the last few months i have spent more and more time all alone. no one texts, no one calls, no one comes when i invite them anymore. they all have other friends now; other lives that don't include me. i'm so tired of connecting with people, forming attachments and then being discarded when something "better" comes along, so i've resisted making new friends. i just don't have the energy or the heart-capacity to go through it again.
Will has stuck around for a while, but over the last month he's become more and more distant. he's busy, he's dating, he's making new friends in his new ward. i'm just not the friend he needs anymore. the more i've felt him slipping away, the more my sanity has slipped as well. i still need him, but because he doesn't need me, i get kicked to the curb and replaced with others who are more fun or better distractions...less needy. i don't blame him. i know i'm a lot to handle. i know that when i get into the darkness, people go away and leave me to struggle through on my own. just when i need them the most, that's when they leave.
so, i'm changing my tactics. i've been overly dependent on others, i admit it. with few exceptions, i don't complain or act all gloomy and wretched when i'm around people, but i guess they can feel it. they see the pain and darkness and scars in my eyes and they don't want to be around me. i don't blame them, i don't want to be around me either...but i'm stuck.
i have bestest friend, she's been really great. she's been with me for sixteen years so she understands my darkness and my moods. she knows that all i need is time and love. she's the one person who understands me and who knows how to love me. i thought Will did, but i guess not. i asked too much, i needed too much. so i'm going silent, invisible. i've deactivated my facebook and turned off my phone. i seek too much external validation and i need to learn to rely solely upon myself and God (and bestest friend). my expectations get out of control and when they are not met, i get disappointed and depressed. i have to find a better way. now's a great time since everyone has abandoned me anyway. so i'm going back to being a recluse. it's safer in my own little world. maybe i'll finally start writing again.
when i regain my footing and rally my personal troupes, i'll come back and be social again. for now, i guess the brat was right after all. i've driven everyone away. i'm going to get back into counseling and see if i can figure out how to fix this once and for all.
in college i decided i was tired of being alone all the time and broke out of the confines i had created for myself, and made friends. i had a lot of friends for a while. we were together all the time, busy with fun activities every day. one of the happiest times of my life.
then things changed, as they do in life. we graduated, some people got married, others went off to pursue further education, and others just went their own way. i moved to cedar city for a while, and when i came back, everything was different. i started making a few new friends, then dated Bobpi. i was never alone (even though at that point i wanted to be alone so i could recover from the weasel). not long after Bobpi and i broke up, i got involved in my ward and made a lot of great new friends. we were tight, and it was like the previous group was reincarnated with different faces. they were a great distraction from the depression and for just over a year, i was the happiest i've ever been. almost never alone.
then, it all fell apart. the crumbling was gradual. a person or two here and there stopped coming around, stopped talking. over the last few months i have spent more and more time all alone. no one texts, no one calls, no one comes when i invite them anymore. they all have other friends now; other lives that don't include me. i'm so tired of connecting with people, forming attachments and then being discarded when something "better" comes along, so i've resisted making new friends. i just don't have the energy or the heart-capacity to go through it again.
Will has stuck around for a while, but over the last month he's become more and more distant. he's busy, he's dating, he's making new friends in his new ward. i'm just not the friend he needs anymore. the more i've felt him slipping away, the more my sanity has slipped as well. i still need him, but because he doesn't need me, i get kicked to the curb and replaced with others who are more fun or better distractions...less needy. i don't blame him. i know i'm a lot to handle. i know that when i get into the darkness, people go away and leave me to struggle through on my own. just when i need them the most, that's when they leave.
so, i'm changing my tactics. i've been overly dependent on others, i admit it. with few exceptions, i don't complain or act all gloomy and wretched when i'm around people, but i guess they can feel it. they see the pain and darkness and scars in my eyes and they don't want to be around me. i don't blame them, i don't want to be around me either...but i'm stuck.
i have bestest friend, she's been really great. she's been with me for sixteen years so she understands my darkness and my moods. she knows that all i need is time and love. she's the one person who understands me and who knows how to love me. i thought Will did, but i guess not. i asked too much, i needed too much. so i'm going silent, invisible. i've deactivated my facebook and turned off my phone. i seek too much external validation and i need to learn to rely solely upon myself and God (and bestest friend). my expectations get out of control and when they are not met, i get disappointed and depressed. i have to find a better way. now's a great time since everyone has abandoned me anyway. so i'm going back to being a recluse. it's safer in my own little world. maybe i'll finally start writing again.
when i regain my footing and rally my personal troupes, i'll come back and be social again. for now, i guess the brat was right after all. i've driven everyone away. i'm going to get back into counseling and see if i can figure out how to fix this once and for all.
30 August 2011
walk away
i've been trying to think of something to write, but there isn't anything.
i'm tired of raining, but like the recent weather here, i can't seem to stop for very long. the clouds part and the sun and blue shine through for a moment, but then the rumbles and lightning start again and the rain trickles down my cheeks mirroring the windowpane.
will's there for a moment, then he's gone again. he's pulling away and i'm doing what i always do. i can't let go. i'll fall apart completely without someone to hold on to. but i'm tired of holding on to those who don't want me, don't need me. he's the opposite, and yet, he's the same. emotionally unavailable. he's there enough to keep me hooked, but distant enough to cause anxiety and disappointment. it's time to let go, walk away. he doesn't need me, and at this point, he won't even notice i'm gone. there's nothing keeping us together now. our paths never cross by accident. and they never cross out of his desire. it's all me now. and when it gets to that, it's past time to walk away.
i wanted him to be the one, the friend i've been searching for, and to a great extent he has been; but it's time i awaken from that dream. that friend doesn't exist, not in his entirety.
it's definitely time to walk away.
i'm tired of raining, but like the recent weather here, i can't seem to stop for very long. the clouds part and the sun and blue shine through for a moment, but then the rumbles and lightning start again and the rain trickles down my cheeks mirroring the windowpane.
will's there for a moment, then he's gone again. he's pulling away and i'm doing what i always do. i can't let go. i'll fall apart completely without someone to hold on to. but i'm tired of holding on to those who don't want me, don't need me. he's the opposite, and yet, he's the same. emotionally unavailable. he's there enough to keep me hooked, but distant enough to cause anxiety and disappointment. it's time to let go, walk away. he doesn't need me, and at this point, he won't even notice i'm gone. there's nothing keeping us together now. our paths never cross by accident. and they never cross out of his desire. it's all me now. and when it gets to that, it's past time to walk away.
i wanted him to be the one, the friend i've been searching for, and to a great extent he has been; but it's time i awaken from that dream. that friend doesn't exist, not in his entirety.
it's definitely time to walk away.
28 August 2011
hiding in plain sight
i'm really starting to hate sundays. i'm alone a lot these days and though i try to be okay with it, find books to read and movies to watch and things to do...keeping my head up is hardest on sundays. i need a friend but it seems i've done something to drive them all away. even bestest friend is unavailable. i have no one. moments like this cause me to consider taking nyquil or something to knock me out, send me into unconscious oblivion. maybe it isn't so lonely there. maybe it doesn't hurt so much there.
i don't even have to hide these days, no one is looking for me.
i don't even have to hide these days, no one is looking for me.
i'm just gonna lay it down now
i don't know when it started, i don't remember the last time i was consistently happy for any significant length of time. i don't know what this sadness is that sets in and won't let go. it's a loneliness and a fear. Will helped for a while, i know that. he still does to some extent, but not as much as he did. he's been a little distanced the last couple of weeks, since just after R2. i said the wrong things and he hasn't talked much since. i got too wrapped up in my own hurt and need, and the sorrow overflowed. i washed away. too much feeling, too many tears. no one to talk to, no one to hold me. no one to make it alright. my heart hurts and my chest is tight so i can't breathe. i feel too much.
i need to lay it down. i need to take all that weighs me down and just put it in the ground and leave it to rest. so many things i keep from the past, let them come back up again and taint the present. i need new truth. i asked Will if there was any way to get a new brain, one that works right. he said he's been asking for one for years. it's not the whole brain, just certain parts. i just need to find a way to rewire some of it. i can't do it alone...but i don't know who is willing (and able) give me the help i need. Will helps. i'm so afraid of asking too much (one of the pathways i need to cut out). i'm so afraid of being a burden. i'm so afraid that he'll stop caring before i'm done needing him. all of that fear comes from the broken part of my brain. all the fear is learned. i had the wrong teachers in life. well, i listened to the wrong ones anyway. how do i fix it? how do i cut away the lies and replace them with truth? there has to be a way.
i don't know where to look. i've been in and out of therapy over the years. i'm minoring in Family Studies, more to help myself than for any other reason, because every class is like therapy. but it's still not clicking. i'm pretty sure the answer is simply endurance and persistence. i just have to keep doing what i'm doing, adding in other pieces as they come, and one day it'll all land together.
what i want more than anything is someone who loves me. i can't do it alone. i need someone to hold my hand when it gets too dark and scary. i need someone to wipe the tears when they burst the dam. i need someone to just be there to say, "it's okay, i love you." i need someone to help me let go, lay it down, and walk away.
i need to lay it down. i need to take all that weighs me down and just put it in the ground and leave it to rest. so many things i keep from the past, let them come back up again and taint the present. i need new truth. i asked Will if there was any way to get a new brain, one that works right. he said he's been asking for one for years. it's not the whole brain, just certain parts. i just need to find a way to rewire some of it. i can't do it alone...but i don't know who is willing (and able) give me the help i need. Will helps. i'm so afraid of asking too much (one of the pathways i need to cut out). i'm so afraid of being a burden. i'm so afraid that he'll stop caring before i'm done needing him. all of that fear comes from the broken part of my brain. all the fear is learned. i had the wrong teachers in life. well, i listened to the wrong ones anyway. how do i fix it? how do i cut away the lies and replace them with truth? there has to be a way.
i don't know where to look. i've been in and out of therapy over the years. i'm minoring in Family Studies, more to help myself than for any other reason, because every class is like therapy. but it's still not clicking. i'm pretty sure the answer is simply endurance and persistence. i just have to keep doing what i'm doing, adding in other pieces as they come, and one day it'll all land together.
what i want more than anything is someone who loves me. i can't do it alone. i need someone to hold my hand when it gets too dark and scary. i need someone to wipe the tears when they burst the dam. i need someone to just be there to say, "it's okay, i love you." i need someone to help me let go, lay it down, and walk away.
22 August 2011
babies babies everywhere!
it's been a big summer for babies. both my sister and sister-in-law, friends and acquaintances, all having babies. the funny thing is that i'm not feeling the craving. maybe it's been so long since i let myself indulge in the dream of having some of my own that i've lost the hope altogether? i pray that's not the case. maybe it's a blessing in disguise?
it used to be that my arms would ache from the emptiness. my heart would reach out to any and every little one who came in proximity. my one and only great desire in life was to hold little ones of my own.
i still want that, but i don't know if it will ever happen, and i can't let the ache distract me anymore.
tonight it's not a baby i'm aching to hold.
this ache is still a distraction that i don't know how to suppress.
my heart and lungs are clenched again. i feel like there's a weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. i'm tired, maybe that's all. tired and hungry. that's all.
i wish i had someone to run to; someone to hold in my weary arms; a place to rest my throbbing head.
Will's texting. i wish he were here, not blocks away, present only in black and white. i need a friend.
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
how many more tomorrows?
it used to be that my arms would ache from the emptiness. my heart would reach out to any and every little one who came in proximity. my one and only great desire in life was to hold little ones of my own.
i still want that, but i don't know if it will ever happen, and i can't let the ache distract me anymore.
tonight it's not a baby i'm aching to hold.
this ache is still a distraction that i don't know how to suppress.
my heart and lungs are clenched again. i feel like there's a weight on my chest, making it difficult to breathe. i'm tired, maybe that's all. tired and hungry. that's all.
i wish i had someone to run to; someone to hold in my weary arms; a place to rest my throbbing head.
Will's texting. i wish he were here, not blocks away, present only in black and white. i need a friend.
tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
how many more tomorrows?
18 August 2011
i'll come back up, you'll see
i keep thinking i should write something but my words are dark and broken...i don't want to put that out there. i hope tomorrow is better than today. my head feels better but my heart hurts and i don't know what to do to make it stop. i'm so tired of being me. where can i sign up for reincarnation or a brain and heart transplant? i can't do it anymore.
11 August 2011
Megan Nizhoni Watts
6lb 12oz, 19in
My first niece was born Tuesday night around 5pm. Isn't she beautiful!
09 August 2011
can't sleep :(
i wish i had something to say, but i don't. maybe someday.
oh! i finished I Am Legend. i should have things to say about that, but my brain hurts and isn't really functioning right now. i wish i were sleeping but even though i'm so, so, so, so, so tired, i can't sleep. i don't know why. i haven't had a night like this in a while. i was so tired all day, half asleep with a migraine, and yet, now that it's time to sleep, i can't. and my head still hurts.
besides the migraine that started last evening, the weekend was fantastic! we watched Inception last night...National Treasure 2 and Evolution while eating pizza the night before. i forget what we did friday night but i'm pretty sure it was good times. my brain really hurts so recall is halting.
i'm a little nervous about starting the new semester. i have to be at school in ogden (an hour drive) by 8:30am every monday, wednesday, and friday. i hope i can start taking naps or i'm afraid i'm never going to sleep. on the other hand, my social life has diminished significantly over the last couple months, so maybe i'll go to school, go to work, and then go home and sleep. who knows what will happen tomorrow, let alone next week or next month?
ok, i'm going to try sleeping because my computer is overheating again and isn't working like it should. i really hope tomorrow is better than my imagination is expecting it will be. oy! wish me luck!
oh! i finished I Am Legend. i should have things to say about that, but my brain hurts and isn't really functioning right now. i wish i were sleeping but even though i'm so, so, so, so, so tired, i can't sleep. i don't know why. i haven't had a night like this in a while. i was so tired all day, half asleep with a migraine, and yet, now that it's time to sleep, i can't. and my head still hurts.
besides the migraine that started last evening, the weekend was fantastic! we watched Inception last night...National Treasure 2 and Evolution while eating pizza the night before. i forget what we did friday night but i'm pretty sure it was good times. my brain really hurts so recall is halting.
i'm a little nervous about starting the new semester. i have to be at school in ogden (an hour drive) by 8:30am every monday, wednesday, and friday. i hope i can start taking naps or i'm afraid i'm never going to sleep. on the other hand, my social life has diminished significantly over the last couple months, so maybe i'll go to school, go to work, and then go home and sleep. who knows what will happen tomorrow, let alone next week or next month?
ok, i'm going to try sleeping because my computer is overheating again and isn't working like it should. i really hope tomorrow is better than my imagination is expecting it will be. oy! wish me luck!
03 August 2011
Under the Tuscan Sun
Live spherically, in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm.
And things will come your way.
And things will come your way.
I have been living my life linearly and I haven't had much childish enthusiasm in I don't know how long. I need to get back to that. I need more in my life, and I need to revive my childish enthusiasm.
They built the tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make that trip.
They built it because they knew some day, the train would come.
They built it because they knew some day, the train would come.
I guess I should take a cue from this. I need to build my life, leaving space for what I really want most. With hope and movement, maybe my train will come.
Seniora, please, don't be so sad. If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you,
and I've never been unfaithful to my wife.
and I've never been unfaithful to my wife.
I love the way he says this line. He's such a sweet man, so sincere and compassionate...and faithful to his wife. He wouldn't have, really, he was just trying to help her smile.
I said you're boring! Look at you! You're sad, again. You're like a big black hole...regrets are a waste of time; they're the past crippling you in the present...how are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing? Listen, when I was a little girl I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up they were crawling all over me.
[So?] So -- go work on your house and forget about it.
[So?] So -- go work on your house and forget about it.
I need to find something to work on, something I'm really passionate about, so I can forget my heartaches, stop wallowing, and let the ladybugs come. Maybe I should become passionate about exercise...then I can make myself pretty and my chances for "ladybugs" will greatly improve.
Ladybugs, Katherine, lots and lots of ladybugs!
I had ladybugs for a while...sort of. None as attractive as Marcello, but there were a some around. None of them wanted me, but I at least had a daydream. Now they're gone...the daydreams anyway. Some of the guys are still around, but not in the same way. One's engaged, another is more like a brother than anything else, others are gone or just distant. I need to stop looking, stop wanting, but leave the door open and maybe a new one will come in.
Patti: There's something strange about these trees. It's like they know.
Frances: And they know that we know that they know.
Patti: They're creepy. Creepy Italian trees. The baby's gonna like them because it's going to be a creepy Italian baby that goes around saying "ciao mama"
and doing that backward hand-wave thing...life is strange.
and doing that backward hand-wave thing...life is strange.
I wish I had a friend who really knew me. Even Bestest Friend doesn't know this part of me. She doesn't know the part of me who watches Under the Tuscan Sun ten times in a row when I'm feeling the way I am right now, because it's clever and witty and deeply emotional.
I relate to Diane Lane's character, Frances. She is a writer who doesn't write. She had her heart and life ripped apart when the man she gave her life to cheated and left her (I wasn't married, but close enough). She gets really sad and lonely and discouraged, but she doesn't give up. She takes care of everyone and she soldiers on when she'd rather give up. She's poetic and graceful.
But she has some things I don't: she has a villa in Tuscany. And she's beautiful. And she has a best friend who gives it to her straight, and who gets her and says what she needs to hear (even though it isn't always nice). And this friend sends her to Italy...where's my friend like that? ;-)
What is it about love that makes us so stupid?
I don't think I need to comment on this; I've been more than my fair share of stupid because of "love"
There is someone for you, Francesca.
I wish someone would tell me that. I wish he'd say, "There is someone for you, Lady Laura."
It's getting more and more difficult to hold on to hope. Maybe I should stop hanging out with the guys all the time. They're really starting to treat me like I am one of the guys. I'm a GIRL! Diane Lane would never be mistaken for one of the guys. I need a makeover. How can I get on What Not to Wear so they can teach me to dress and fix my hair and makeup?
Any arbitrary turning along the way and I would be elsewhere, I would be different. What are four walls anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer.
Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise.
Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise.
I wish I could understand here and now why I am where and who I am. I've been thinking about who I wanted to be, what I wanted to be doing, and I am absolutely nowhere near there...and I have absolutely no idea how to get there. I think that path, that destination was wrong for me. I hope that the future has something even better in store than what I dreamed. When I was plotting out what I wanted to happen, I forgot to factor in the steep climbs and detours and potholes and setbacks. I forgot that you have to make it through the tragedy and trials, you have to reconstruct the house, before you get to the "happily ever after" in the beautiful castle.
I love this movie! I should have watched in months ago. I forget it's part of the routine that pulls me out of my deep blue funk. If I don't see significant improvement in the next few days, I'm calling in the big reinforcements: Alias marathon! Who wants to join me?
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