I really liked feeling like I had finally found my place. I had friends who wanted to hang out with me and talk with me. I had friends who listened to me, depended on me to organize activities and such. They called or texted and wanted me around. Then people moved and got busy, or made new friends and I wasn't wanted or needed as much anymore. Social paradigms shifted and I didn't have a place anymore. By November, people were less and less available, and The Artist and Will both had girl friends...and I was lost and lonely.
The holidays are not for the lonely.
I've been dreading Christmas and New Year's Eve this year. Work was stressful drudgery all week. With the exception of Thursday, there were no activities with friends, no fun at all really. I wanted to just skip past this week and go straight back to school. No Christmas music, no Christmas movies (except the delightful evening with La-T and Hey Pay at the beginning of December), no reading my favorite Christmas books...I wanted nothing to do with Christmas at all.
Friday was a really difficult day at work. It was so busy I couldn't catch a breath. I was supposed to go down to Lindon after to my friend's Christmas Adam party, but I was so depressed and exhausted that I couldn't. I came home and curled up on the couch and watched While You Were Sleeping...which just made me cry because I felt like Lucy...so lonely, but without a guy in a coma to talk to. No one was texting or calling me to do anything...no one wanted me around (no one who lives closer than Lindon anyway). I tried not to think about everyone else doing things with their new friends and not including me. I tried not to think about the family I don't have have (and may never have) and ache for so much this time of year.
Yesterday I woke up with a headache. I didn't have to be to work until 1pm, but I was so tired and felt lousy all day. My one solace was that my favorite Uncle was coming. Then while at work I got a text from mom saying his flight had been delayed and he wouldn't make it until this afternoon. With no snow, no uncle, no friends, nothing but wretchedness...I was ready to give up and sleep through Christmas.
I worked the closing shift last night because my co-worker who was originally scheduled to close was married this year and needed the time off for family things. I volunteered to work for her because it didn't seem right for her to have to miss out on being where she was wanted when I had no one wanting me there. It wasn't a great night, but I worked with my favorite co-worker and was able to help her have a better night. So two co-workers were helped by my willingness to be there...and I didn't spend the entire night alone. One of my home teachers called me while I was at work, I guess just to wish me a happy Christmas, his message was a little jumbled. It was nice that someone thought of me.
When I got home from work, mom and dad were watching A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott as Ebeneezer Scrooge. Instead of hiding in my cave to sulk, I watched the end with them. We also watched Meet Me in St. Louis, not necessarily a classic Christmas flick but because Judy Garland sings Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas better than anyone, it's a must watch this time of year.
Despite those little things that made Christmas Eve a little better than expected, I still felt lousy and depressed. I set my alarm for 7:30am so I could get up and go to church this morning. But when I woke up, the gloom wrapped around me and I rolled over to go back to sleep. I couldn't bear the thought of going to church alone and lonely on Christmas day. I don't have a place anymore. I know I need to go to church and worship, and the social aspect doesn't matter...but it kind of does make a huge difference. No one cares if I'm there. No one wants me to sit with them, no one offers to save me a seat or ride with me. It's a very lonely place right now. I've been going to church at the institute for nearly nine years now. It has never felt so foreign or cold or uninviting as it does now. The family ward isn't any better, there's no place for me there either. Those are my two options. I don't know what to do. I don't care if people judge me, they don't know, they don't understand how it feels. They clearly don't care. I'll try again in January.
Sorry, I didn't mean to get into that. So, I was determined to sleep through Christmas, but I'm glad I didn't because I would have missed out on this:
I love my niece and nephews and I am so grateful for them. I'm grateful that my dear Uncle made it in time for Christmas. I'm grateful for my little brother and his sweet wife who I adore! I'm grateful for my sister and her husband. I'm grateful for my parents. I had so much fun playing with my nephews and hanging out with my family today.
I even received texts from a few friends. I have plans with family this week while my Uncle is here. I get a little break from the insanity that work has been. Will's girl friend is out of town for the week so he said we can do something this week...and I even have plans for New Year's Eve! Teddy invited me to his party (it's been a long time since I've seen him so I'll try to stop by after work), another old friend invited me to her party...but the majority of my evening will be spent with Pacman and Niffer at their first big party as a married couple. Pacman's party last year was part of the best New Year's Eve ever...so I'm starting to feel more hopeful that, although the last few months have been some of the worst of my life, this year will end well.
2011 was one of the best and worst years of my life so far. So many great experiences...especially so much of the time I spent with Will...and then feeling like I lost everything...very bittersweet. I hope next year will be better. I hope next year will bring better friends (or renewed friendships with those I feel I've lost this year), better opportunities, and love. I'm really ready for new love. It's been long enough and I'm as recovered as I'm going to be from the Weasel and other relationship flops. I really want new love in 2012...especially because I'm fairly certain that at least The Artist, and possibly Will, might be getting married (or at least close to it) by this time next year.
It's late and I've become rambly, so it's time for sleeping now.
