Fear

something is really wrong with my brain.  things i know don't stick, don't compute properly.  will's not leaving, he's not gone.  he came over tonight and didn't leave until he got me to tell him some of what was on my mind last week.  i had convinced myself to drop it, to just forget it all and not talk to him.  he was sick, that's why he didn't hang out with me last week.  a text telling me he was sick would have really helped me not get all depressed and panicked, but i called a different friend instead and she talked me through it so i didn't assault will with panic...again.  i try so hard to talk myself down, to remind myself that people care, even when they don't show it the way i want them to...or as often as i want them to.  i've got to find a way to break down the fear.  will said i need to stop hiding behind my defenses and start trusting people with more of myself than i do now.  i don't open myself to people until i know they care...and even then, i often regret opening up, allowing the fear to take over and convince me that they will simply use the information, the access to my vulnerability, i've given them against me.

how did i become so afraid?  how did i get to this point of closing myself off so entirely?  i don't trust.  i really don't know that there's anyone in the world i trust completely, not even bestest friend.  i sometimes doubt...but she's been through everything with me from the time i was 13, 14, something like that.  i trust her more than anyone.  i trust the artist, mostly.  i trust will...as long as he's with me, or as long as it hasn't been too many days since i've seen him.  those days are getting longer and further between though...

you know, i had a thought tonight.  the main thing i'm afraid of is being happy and having what i want.  if things actually were to work out and be what i want and i am happy, i'm afraid it won't last, or that something horrible is going to happen to balance crush the happy.  the fear isn't completely irrational; it happens, it has happened, a lot.  i finally find a good, seemingly steady group of friends and i finally begin to feel content and even happy...then disaster strikes and the group is obliterated, shattering into many fragments...and i'm left alone.  but will said tonight that i'm not alone, that there will always be people who care and who are there for me.  bestest friend was the only one who came to mind.  she knows me better than anyone, even my family.  the artist is pretty solid...and his girlfriend and i are becoming pretty good friends, so that's a huge relief!  she's not threatened by my friendship with him, which means we can stay good friends.  if i lost bestest friend or the artist, i think i'd go completely nuts.  i think will grouped himself in there as well.  he said he's got my back, that he has to sign off on any guys i date, that he won't let me get involved with another skunkweasel of any sort.  i wish he'd been around the first time...maybe i wouldn't be having such a hard time now.  but for whatever reason, the plan was for things to go the way they have. 

i'm so grateful that he's here now, and that he's patient and understanding and willing to stick by me and help me heal.  i've got to get rid of my fear and just allow myself to be happy.  i have what i have always wanted...i just need to let myself believe it and enjoy it.