Alien

I've perfected pushing people away. I've been working on it my whole life, so I ought tone a pro by now. Bestest Friend is my very best friend because she is the only person in my life who has ever refused to leave. I pushed as hard as I could, but she held on and at times pushed back. She's the one and only reason I can't give up, even though I wish with all my heart I could. One isn't enough. You need at least two or three. A whole community is best, but at least two or three. Bestest Friend is patient and understanding. She listens to my heartache and fear, disappointment, sorrow, doubt. But she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't quite understand what's going on inside my head, so she can't help me know what to do.
Will gets it. It's basically the same, just manifesting in a different way. I've been pushing him. I haven't a clue what's kept him around this long, but somehow he keeps saying he cares (not in quite the way I need him to, but he does).

He told me I need to open myself to others. He said I alienate myself and I need to stop. But I don't know how. When people ask how I am, I want to tell them the truth, with the hope they somehow really care and can help me find the answers I can't see on my own. But so few people really understand, and even fewer really want the truth. And fewer still actually want to help.

I've been there for countless people when they were in need, but where are they in my need? Even Will. I stood by him, supported and encouraged him. I was there when he needed compassion and someone to understand. But now that I need him, he says he can't be the friend I need him to be. He's the only one...there isn't anyone else. So if he's unwilling, where does that leave me? He says he cares, that he's still here; not abandoning me, not going away...but not really there either. He refuses to be pushed, but is keeping his distance, blaming life instead of choice. But it is choice.

I need friends. I need a support system of people who genuinely care and who understand I'm just having a hard time right now. But I'm trapped in a paradox, the more I seek for and ask for the help I need, the more alone and hopeless I become. I don't understand why no one is there.
I don't know what to do. I can't reach out because I'm too fragile for more rejection and shunning right now. I wish someone would care enough to rally some troops to help me fight this war I can't win on my own. I need someone to push back when I fight against their friendship. I now it isn't fair, it's not intentional behavior, it's a poor coping mechanism. A fight or flight(well,in my case, fight and flight) response. I don't mean to. I don't want to. I just don't know any other way. I need help but can't find it. No matter how hard I try, or how deep and far I search, it's just never enough. I don't know what more to do. I can't do it alone, but no one is there (mostly because I pushed them away and they didn't understand or didn't care enough to stay).