rambling

right now i'm suppose to be writing a paper for my linguistics class...but i'm restless and distracted and i don't know what to say.  so i'm watching Batman Begins and eating Reese's Sticks instead.

last night i had the third date with...we'll call him...wix

the first and second dates were enjoyable and comfortable enough.  maybe i was in a grouchy mood yesterday...maybe he was having an off day...i don't know, but i found myself wishing i had stayed home to do my homework (or more realistically, lie on the couch and watch tv or movies) instead.  parts were fun.  he took me to a social dance class he attends most weeks.  we started out in a big circle, paired up for instruction.  every so often they would have the guys rotate, so everyone dances with multiple partners.  one guy in particular was a very good dancer.  if he had been a little taller i would have tried flirting with him...but it was fun dancing with him for a while.  after instruction, everyone paired off and they turned on music for us to dance however we wanted.  maybe i was a little tense, but wix was too loose.  his tension was too lax and his footwork was floppy and sloppy.  the worst part is that he thinks he's a pretty good dancer.  most definitely not my ideal dance partner.
but, that sort of thing can be overlooked...or instructed and improved...so it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.  so why am i now significantly less interested than i was before?

first of all, he is sincerely lacking in grace and charm.  i want someone classy and chivalrous.  i want someone who makes me feel beautiful, intelligent, feminine, and special.  he is overly opinionated.  told me the foggy windows in the car were my fault because i'm "hotter" than him.  he didn't even open the car door for me when we got in the car after dancing.  when we were dancing, he...well...i guess he was flirting, but it struck me as goofy and a little creepy instead of romantic and exciting. 
i want a man who will look in my eyes and see what's deeper, see the beauty and call it such, rather than making me feel trite and objectified by calling me "hott" or "sexy" or some other undignified term.  i am classy and dignified (for the most part) and i want a man who is the same in that respect.  i want someone who is serious and takes relationships seriously, but who knows how and when to have fun.  i want someone who knows what he's doing and will work hard to get what he wants out of life.  wix seems a little lazy and lacking in any real drive or direction.

i don't know.  maybe i'm judging him too harshly.  all i know is that my measuring sticks are Will, The Artist, and Pacman, and wix falls severely short of the least end of any of them.  i've settled too much in the past and i'm not doing it again.  if that means i'm alone, so be it.  i've become rather content on my own these days.  i really wish i could find the love of my life, but i guess i have to learn to be patient.  i had a thought last night as i was considering the date and wix and other guys i've dated or who have liked me.  all i could think is "why do i always get the weirdos and the scraps?  why can't i be liked by the kind of guys i like (such as Will, The Artist, and Pacman)?  they like me well enough as a friend...and they say you marry your friends...so when will one of these friends (not these specifically, but a man like them) decide to be in love with me?  only God knows.  so, patience.  there are men around who will have me, who will want me enough that if i'm not careful i'll settle for one.  but i don't want to settle simply because i'm desperate for someone, anyone!

if i went for wix now, i'd be settling, just because he's the only one paying any attention to me.  he's not enough of what i want and too much of what i don't want.  but how do i tell him that?  and what do i do in those lonely moments when i wish i had someone?  how do i console myself with a vague hope that the love of my life is really out there somewhere...and that he'd worth waiting for as long as it takes?

uh-oh, the power just went out and my computer has been telling me for months that i need to replace the battery...i better turn it off and go to bed.  i hope i can come up with something to write for my paper by noon tomorrow.  i have time between my classes, but i don't know if it will be enough time to write what i need to.  i guess we'll see.

power's back on.  i should probably stop rambling now and start writing my paper.