far far away

i miss Will. can't tell him...i want him to be active in my life because he wants to be, not because i beg him or trick him or guilt him into it. it's difficult and heartbreaking to care about someone even after they've stopped caring about you. it's frustrating and discouraging to want to be with someone who no longer wants to spend time with you. and it's devistating when someone you once talked deeply and nearly daily with barely has time (or maybe just desire) to meet for lunch. it breaks me to lose people, especially people I was once close to, and people who have made a significant difference for good in my life. i miss him...but if life has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing i can do but try to let go...try to forget so it doesn't hurt to miss him. and, do better in the future with guarding myself. i let myself hope, once again, like the idiot i am, that he was different, that he would be a true friend and stick around...but now i see that is impossible, it will never be. ah, but that's because of me...isn't it? if i could figure out how to stop being a wretched spastic freak, maybe someone would stay. i'm so much better than i was. the medication magnified instead of sedating my symptoms, but i'm free of the medication now and in better control. i'm taking baby steps. i'm over my breakdown and slowly beginning to move forward. my anxiety is still a bit high in certain social situations (which i've been doing my best to avoid) and so i'm fairly self contained these days. i'm not really depressed these days; not particularly happy, but content enough. it would be nice if i could go to sleep tonight and just not wake up in the morning...but that's not likely. i just want to rest in peace... that's one of the things i miss most about Will. he has this strange calming and comforting affect on me that i have yet to find anywhere else. i feel better with him. but why should that matter? he has his own life, why should he give a damn about me? why should anyone?