remember, o please remember!

it was a bad week.  long hours at work, short hours of sleep, not enough food, and not enough friendship.  Tuesday was the best day of the week.  had a good session with my shrink, a lot of laughing, and The Artist came over after i got off work.  we talked, which is always nice.  i miss hanging out with him all the time.  we're both really busy and don't have enough time to really do much...plus he has a girlfriend, so that generally knocks out the weekends.  but he still makes time for me...and his girlfriend seems to be okay with me, we're becoming friends.

Wednesday, though, was a terrible day.  i could feel it by the time i got to work at 8am.  i didn't feel well, didn't want to be at work, and REALLY didn't want to go to school after.  i sent a text to Will in an effort to boost my spirits.  he had said we could do something on Friday, so i thought that maybe solidifying those plans would give me something to look forward to and help me get through the rest of the week.  but he took forever to respond, and when he finally did, he said he could do lunch but had to work in the evening.  this sent me spinning.  i was scheduled till 4:30pm and therefore couldn't "do lunch."  i panicked, as i'm prone to doing these days when it feels like he couldn't care less.  i'm so grateful that he is ever patient and understanding with me when i get in that dark place.  he still doesn't know the right words to use, i still haven't figured out how to say what i mean and make specific requests, but i'm getting there. 

he told me he didn't know when but that we would do something soon.  it felt like a brush-off.  i fretted and stewed the rest of the week, unable to focus on anything productive, unable to find any hope or reason to smile.  my co-workers were great and understanding.
Thursday wasn't great, i couldn't focus in my classes and i didn't feel well at work.  after work i went to Bestest Friend's house.  Shygirl was supposed to be there too, but she forgot.  it was okay.  i was feeling lousy and bitter and needed Bestest Friend to myself.  as we were talking, her sweet little 14 month old Ellie Dawn tottered over and wrapped her arms around my neck.  she's never done that before.  she sat on my lap and cuddled with me for a few minutes, as if to say, "it's okay Auntie, everything will be okay. i love you!"  it was so very sweet. despite that, i was still quite distressed when i left.

Friday was a miserable day at work for both Cass and me, and the boss wasn't there so we just stickered and commiserated.
after work i went home and collapsed on the floor in the hallway outside of my bedroom.  i had no strength or desire to do anything.  i had nowhere to be, no one to call, no one was requesting my presence anywhere.  i didn't know what to do, so i just lay there in the dark.  the tears that had been flooding all week were dammed, i was too tired and emotionally drained to even feel.

when i got around to checking my phone it showed a missed call from my mom.  i expected to hear her voice on the message, but instead it was my 5 year old nephew The Kid.  he told me to come over and play with him (my parents were babysitting).  so i changed my clothes and jumped in the car.  i had barely gotten out of the car when i heard his voice, "Laura!"
i played with my nephews for a while.  the 2 year old, (we'll call him Puppy because he has the cutest little puppy dog face and he loves to look at the puppies on Gampa's phone) always wants me to "SPIN!" when he sees me.  he runs to me, throws out his arms and says, "SPIN!"
after spinning and running around a bit, Puppy asked if they could watch a movie.  we turned on How to Train Your Dragon, and The Kid cuddled up on my lap to watch.  they made me feel a bit better.

i left when it was time for them to go to bed.  somewhere along the course of the day i decided i would stop by Will's work and at least get a hug, even if he didn't have time for anything else.  by the time i got there, though, i was so overwrought by distressing thoughts that i couldn't bring myself to walk in.  i wandered around the mall, passing the store a couple of times.  i finally got up the guts to walk just inside the door, but he was nowhere in sight.  i had glimpsed him one of the times i passed the entrance, so i at least convinced myself that he was indeed at work (until then, i was nearly certain he had lied because he really didn't want to hang out with me and was actually out with someone else...like Queen Bee...i really hate that i still can't shake my jealousy over her.  i'm really not a jealous person, only in certain circumstances.  she threatens me and my fragile happiness because she doesn't want me around and everyone would rather hang out with her than with me and it really, really hurts.  i guess i'm afraid she'll eventually convince Will to stop being friends with me altogether).  when i get in that dark, irrational place, being with Will is the one and only thing i've found that dispels the panic.  i wish i could just carry him around in my pocket all the time...

anyway, i chickened out and went home.  before i left the parking lot, i sent Will a text, asking if he could come over when he got off work, or at least tell me when he will make time for me.  when i got home i curled up on the couch and turned on 28 Days with Sandra Bullock.  it wasn't holding my attention.  he text me when he got off work and asked if i was busy Sunday afternoon.  i was disappointed that he didn't understand my urgency and rush right over.  he said he could hang out for an hour or so on Sunday afternoon.  i was disappointed further that that was all the time he could spare for me.  he keeps telling me that he cares, but i can't see it when he's never available and rarely talks to me anymore...especially when my need for his friendship and active presence in my life is so strong.  he said he could probably do something Saturday afternoon, but i didn't respond.  i was so distraught that i just couldn't say anything or i knew i would snap at him.  so he called me.

he came over this afternoon and we (finally) went for a ride in his "new" car.  he bought it used from a private seller, and he's had it about a month.  he kept promising he'd take me for a ride, but he's been too busy.  we drove around a bit, stopped at Grey Whale and The Chocolate (my first time) where he bought me a cookie.  we sat in the cute little shop and ate our cookies and talked.  then we went back to my house.  we watched some Big Bang Theory and he helped me refine my ldssingles.com profile.  we had a good time.

then, just as he was about to leave, i asked if we could talk for a minute.  i had been trying to work up my courage to bring it up the whole time we were together.  i have such a difficult time talking when it's important.  i need to remember that i can talk to Will about anything, any time.  i wish i could stop panicking and stop letting fear and doubt talk me into thinking he's like the scumbags i've known.  he's not leaving.  he cares and is there when i need him.  he said i just need to ask...but also remember that he's busy, but he'll make time for me when he can.  i told him i need him to use more words. i need him to talk to me and act like he still wants me around and tell me what he means. he said he had remembered that I worked until 4:30 on Friday and that when he said we could meet for lunch, he had meant after I was off work. i told him 4:30pm wasn't lunch, and that I need him to tell me what he means with more words because i'm too easily confused. he said he understood, that he know how it is to feel like you're in a one sided relationship and that he'd try to give me more words. i asked if he could maybe write some down for me to hold on to when i start to feel alone.
when he left, i told him i wish he was my brother. he asked if my parents would adopt him. i said i would even if they didn't.

i wish i could explain my feelings for Will, why i'm so desperate to keep him in my life, but i don't fully understand it, he is the best help i've found...better than any drug or shrink or chocolate. as long as his friendship touches my life, i feel hopeful, like life is worth living, like God knows me and actually does love me and want me to succeed. my faith is shaky right now. i can't endure on my own. i keep looking and asking for help, begging and pleading for help, but nothing and no one has the same ability to make me feel so much better so quickly. i've been through too much and i can't finish recovering on my own. i'm so close. if he just sticks around a little longer, i'll finally push through he end of it and find myself, finally whole and healed. i wish i had Dom othe reliable, patient, understanding and compassionate souls to help me, but i guess Bestest Friend, Will, and The Artist will have to do for now. and my nieces and nephews :)

Fear

something is really wrong with my brain.  things i know don't stick, don't compute properly.  will's not leaving, he's not gone.  he came over tonight and didn't leave until he got me to tell him some of what was on my mind last week.  i had convinced myself to drop it, to just forget it all and not talk to him.  he was sick, that's why he didn't hang out with me last week.  a text telling me he was sick would have really helped me not get all depressed and panicked, but i called a different friend instead and she talked me through it so i didn't assault will with panic...again.  i try so hard to talk myself down, to remind myself that people care, even when they don't show it the way i want them to...or as often as i want them to.  i've got to find a way to break down the fear.  will said i need to stop hiding behind my defenses and start trusting people with more of myself than i do now.  i don't open myself to people until i know they care...and even then, i often regret opening up, allowing the fear to take over and convince me that they will simply use the information, the access to my vulnerability, i've given them against me.

how did i become so afraid?  how did i get to this point of closing myself off so entirely?  i don't trust.  i really don't know that there's anyone in the world i trust completely, not even bestest friend.  i sometimes doubt...but she's been through everything with me from the time i was 13, 14, something like that.  i trust her more than anyone.  i trust the artist, mostly.  i trust will...as long as he's with me, or as long as it hasn't been too many days since i've seen him.  those days are getting longer and further between though...

you know, i had a thought tonight.  the main thing i'm afraid of is being happy and having what i want.  if things actually were to work out and be what i want and i am happy, i'm afraid it won't last, or that something horrible is going to happen to balance crush the happy.  the fear isn't completely irrational; it happens, it has happened, a lot.  i finally find a good, seemingly steady group of friends and i finally begin to feel content and even happy...then disaster strikes and the group is obliterated, shattering into many fragments...and i'm left alone.  but will said tonight that i'm not alone, that there will always be people who care and who are there for me.  bestest friend was the only one who came to mind.  she knows me better than anyone, even my family.  the artist is pretty solid...and his girlfriend and i are becoming pretty good friends, so that's a huge relief!  she's not threatened by my friendship with him, which means we can stay good friends.  if i lost bestest friend or the artist, i think i'd go completely nuts.  i think will grouped himself in there as well.  he said he's got my back, that he has to sign off on any guys i date, that he won't let me get involved with another skunkweasel of any sort.  i wish he'd been around the first time...maybe i wouldn't be having such a hard time now.  but for whatever reason, the plan was for things to go the way they have. 

i'm so grateful that he's here now, and that he's patient and understanding and willing to stick by me and help me heal.  i've got to get rid of my fear and just allow myself to be happy.  i have what i have always wanted...i just need to let myself believe it and enjoy it.

i'll go

i need a new place.  i need new people.  i'll keep a few; those few who have stayed with me all this time...Bestest Friend and The Artist.  or maybe just Bestest Friend.  she is my one constant.

i don't understand.  why are people so false, so fleeting, so fickle?  why do people say one thing and do the opposite?  why aren't they there when i need them most?

i haven't been going to church.  it's too hard to be there, excluded.  church is supposed to be safe.  church is supposed to be the place where you can go and belong and feel loved and accepted.  i am unwanted.  i don't know why, but i am.  just one true friend, that's all i ask...this is the first ward i've ever been in (except maybe the cedar city wards) where i can't find just one true friend.  i don't have a place.  nothing feels right.  everything is wrong.  it hurts.

i need to find a better paying job so i can move and start completely new.  i'll wipe the slate clean.  i'll delete them from my facebook and just disappear...they won't even notice.  they don't notice my absence now, not enough to request my presence.  even Will.  i need to find a new place so i stop hoping tonight will finally be the night when the ones who should want my friendship will open their arms to me and welcome me in.  i tried to fit for a while but friendship shouldn't be that hard.  i accept that they don't want me.  this isn't my place anymore.  i'll work and go to school and focus on my studies and forget about social life this semester.  maybe i can find another job to fill in the cracks.


then i'll make money, find a fairly inexpensive little apartment somewhere and move away from all the hurt...and find a new place to start over.  i want to be involved, but this is not the place.

change is good.  i have a tendency to cling to what has been...try to make it stay what is.  but it's not working.  so i have to figure out how to let it go.  tonight i was talking to a friend and she told me that when a friendship or relationship becomes more detrimental than beneficial to your mental and emotional well being, no matter how much it hurts, it's time to let it go.  Will's lack of availability and consideration and...etc...is causing a lot of heartache and stress.  the thought of not being friends, or not being as close friends as we heretofore have been wrenches my heart beyond my ability to express.  but clearly he doesn't have room in his life for me anymore beyond a short lunch once in a while.  he says he's still here...but he's not.  it hurts so much.  i don't want to let go.  i don't want to lose him.  the void is too wide and gaping without him.  but maybe it's time i let the void swallow me and spit me out on the other side.  maybe something better is waiting for me on the other side. 

i'm not afraid of letting go of the past.  i'm not afraid of starting something new...
i'm afraid of the space between.  more specifically, the duration...it's already lasted too long.  i can't figure out how to get out of it.  i don't know where to find the new start.

i wish people would just be nice and kind and friendly and invite me to be involved.  i don't understand why they don't want me in their group.  i know i complain a lot on here and i sound really whiny and negative, but i'm not like that in person.  i'm nice and fun and positive and can be really interesting and entertaining when i'm given the opportunity.  i don't understand why they don't want me around.  i'm a great person, a great friend (when people let me be). 

oh well. i guess there's somewhere else i'm supposed to be.  i hope i find it soon.

the void

just one someone to be...there...here...
but the void is all i can ever rely on
to be...there...here...
seems to be someone for everyone
...except me...
i just need one someone to talk to.

i can't sleep.  i don't want the new year to begin.  i've been working on optimism since i realized...but now i see that i didn't really, fully, realize until tonight.  The Artist, my The Artist, isn't mine anymore.  by this time next year...i'll be very surprised if he's not...i like her...we're being friends-ish...but everything changes now, and i'm afraid he won't notice...and i'll be the one with the broken heart again.
i knew it was coming.  i was ok with it most of last year...because i had Will to fill in the extending void...but now...well...he's not really there anymore either...

tonight i'm feeling overcome, swallowed and drowning in the void.  everyone...by this time text year...nearly (if not all) everyone...everything will be different...

i'm hoping somewhere in this new year is...someone for me...but i'm not really sure how to hope...it just seems so...not in the cards for me...i don't know.  i just don't know.