ugh! i'm having the hardest time this semester. it's 10:15pm and i haven't started my 5 page paper that is due tomorrow night. i have to work at 8 in the am until i have to leave to drive up to school so i won't have any time at all to write my paper tomorrow. i read the story that i'm writing on and have some basic ideas of things i could write about, but my brain isn't actually pulling the thoughts together in coherent strands to form any sort of intelligible writing.
i'm writing about the short story, "Bernice Bobs Her Hair" by F. Scott Fitzgerald. should i take it from the angle of femininity for the modern woman, showing the differences in opinion of the liberated, opinionated and conniving Marjorie and the old-fashioned, socially oblivious Bernice. or i could take it from a sort of Frankenstein perspective...Marjorie's selfish and conniving actions drive Bernice to monstrous revenge and Marjorie's ultimate (implied) demise. or i could talk about how it is a story of identity and self-discovery. i just don't know. i'm so unfocused, i can't pull my thoughts together. ugh!
21 February 2012
15 February 2012
rambling
right now i'm suppose to be writing a paper for my linguistics class...but i'm restless and distracted and i don't know what to say. so i'm watching Batman Begins and eating Reese's Sticks instead.
last night i had the third date with...we'll call him...wix
the first and second dates were enjoyable and comfortable enough. maybe i was in a grouchy mood yesterday...maybe he was having an off day...i don't know, but i found myself wishing i had stayed home to do my homework (or more realistically, lie on the couch and watch tv or movies) instead. parts were fun. he took me to a social dance class he attends most weeks. we started out in a big circle, paired up for instruction. every so often they would have the guys rotate, so everyone dances with multiple partners. one guy in particular was a very good dancer. if he had been a little taller i would have tried flirting with him...but it was fun dancing with him for a while. after instruction, everyone paired off and they turned on music for us to dance however we wanted. maybe i was a little tense, but wix was too loose. his tension was too lax and his footwork was floppy and sloppy. the worst part is that he thinks he's a pretty good dancer. most definitely not my ideal dance partner.
but, that sort of thing can be overlooked...or instructed and improved...so it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. so why am i now significantly less interested than i was before?
first of all, he is sincerely lacking in grace and charm. i want someone classy and chivalrous. i want someone who makes me feel beautiful, intelligent, feminine, and special. he is overly opinionated. told me the foggy windows in the car were my fault because i'm "hotter" than him. he didn't even open the car door for me when we got in the car after dancing. when we were dancing, he...well...i guess he was flirting, but it struck me as goofy and a little creepy instead of romantic and exciting.
i want a man who will look in my eyes and see what's deeper, see the beauty and call it such, rather than making me feel trite and objectified by calling me "hott" or "sexy" or some other undignified term. i am classy and dignified (for the most part) and i want a man who is the same in that respect. i want someone who is serious and takes relationships seriously, but who knows how and when to have fun. i want someone who knows what he's doing and will work hard to get what he wants out of life. wix seems a little lazy and lacking in any real drive or direction.
i don't know. maybe i'm judging him too harshly. all i know is that my measuring sticks are Will, The Artist, and Pacman, and wix falls severely short of the least end of any of them. i've settled too much in the past and i'm not doing it again. if that means i'm alone, so be it. i've become rather content on my own these days. i really wish i could find the love of my life, but i guess i have to learn to be patient. i had a thought last night as i was considering the date and wix and other guys i've dated or who have liked me. all i could think is "why do i always get the weirdos and the scraps? why can't i be liked by the kind of guys i like (such as Will, The Artist, and Pacman)? they like me well enough as a friend...and they say you marry your friends...so when will one of these friends (not these specifically, but a man like them) decide to be in love with me? only God knows. so, patience. there are men around who will have me, who will want me enough that if i'm not careful i'll settle for one. but i don't want to settle simply because i'm desperate for someone, anyone!
if i went for wix now, i'd be settling, just because he's the only one paying any attention to me. he's not enough of what i want and too much of what i don't want. but how do i tell him that? and what do i do in those lonely moments when i wish i had someone? how do i console myself with a vague hope that the love of my life is really out there somewhere...and that he'd worth waiting for as long as it takes?
uh-oh, the power just went out and my computer has been telling me for months that i need to replace the battery...i better turn it off and go to bed. i hope i can come up with something to write for my paper by noon tomorrow. i have time between my classes, but i don't know if it will be enough time to write what i need to. i guess we'll see.
power's back on. i should probably stop rambling now and start writing my paper.
last night i had the third date with...we'll call him...wix
the first and second dates were enjoyable and comfortable enough. maybe i was in a grouchy mood yesterday...maybe he was having an off day...i don't know, but i found myself wishing i had stayed home to do my homework (or more realistically, lie on the couch and watch tv or movies) instead. parts were fun. he took me to a social dance class he attends most weeks. we started out in a big circle, paired up for instruction. every so often they would have the guys rotate, so everyone dances with multiple partners. one guy in particular was a very good dancer. if he had been a little taller i would have tried flirting with him...but it was fun dancing with him for a while. after instruction, everyone paired off and they turned on music for us to dance however we wanted. maybe i was a little tense, but wix was too loose. his tension was too lax and his footwork was floppy and sloppy. the worst part is that he thinks he's a pretty good dancer. most definitely not my ideal dance partner.
but, that sort of thing can be overlooked...or instructed and improved...so it doesn't have to be a deal breaker. so why am i now significantly less interested than i was before?
first of all, he is sincerely lacking in grace and charm. i want someone classy and chivalrous. i want someone who makes me feel beautiful, intelligent, feminine, and special. he is overly opinionated. told me the foggy windows in the car were my fault because i'm "hotter" than him. he didn't even open the car door for me when we got in the car after dancing. when we were dancing, he...well...i guess he was flirting, but it struck me as goofy and a little creepy instead of romantic and exciting.
i want a man who will look in my eyes and see what's deeper, see the beauty and call it such, rather than making me feel trite and objectified by calling me "hott" or "sexy" or some other undignified term. i am classy and dignified (for the most part) and i want a man who is the same in that respect. i want someone who is serious and takes relationships seriously, but who knows how and when to have fun. i want someone who knows what he's doing and will work hard to get what he wants out of life. wix seems a little lazy and lacking in any real drive or direction.
i don't know. maybe i'm judging him too harshly. all i know is that my measuring sticks are Will, The Artist, and Pacman, and wix falls severely short of the least end of any of them. i've settled too much in the past and i'm not doing it again. if that means i'm alone, so be it. i've become rather content on my own these days. i really wish i could find the love of my life, but i guess i have to learn to be patient. i had a thought last night as i was considering the date and wix and other guys i've dated or who have liked me. all i could think is "why do i always get the weirdos and the scraps? why can't i be liked by the kind of guys i like (such as Will, The Artist, and Pacman)? they like me well enough as a friend...and they say you marry your friends...so when will one of these friends (not these specifically, but a man like them) decide to be in love with me? only God knows. so, patience. there are men around who will have me, who will want me enough that if i'm not careful i'll settle for one. but i don't want to settle simply because i'm desperate for someone, anyone!
if i went for wix now, i'd be settling, just because he's the only one paying any attention to me. he's not enough of what i want and too much of what i don't want. but how do i tell him that? and what do i do in those lonely moments when i wish i had someone? how do i console myself with a vague hope that the love of my life is really out there somewhere...and that he'd worth waiting for as long as it takes?
uh-oh, the power just went out and my computer has been telling me for months that i need to replace the battery...i better turn it off and go to bed. i hope i can come up with something to write for my paper by noon tomorrow. i have time between my classes, but i don't know if it will be enough time to write what i need to. i guess we'll see.
power's back on. i should probably stop rambling now and start writing my paper.
13 February 2012
It's taken time and a lot of work, but I'm coming up. I'm not 100% yet, but I'm getting there. My final semester of my Bachelor degree is underway. My only real debt is my student loans. I enjoy my job (for the most part). I'm no longer taking medication. I've come to terms with Will's general absence. I'm working on my spirituality. I've been on two dates with the same guy...with a third scheduled for tomorrow. I enjoy being with him, and he seems to like me...at least well enough to want to continue going out with me.
I don't feel tingles and butterflies like I use to when I was interested in someone. In a lot of ways he's not what I think I want, but he's taller, older, and intriguing, so I'm willing to see if it goes anywhere. I want to love someone, at least for a while; someone to look forward to seeing and spending time with.
I'm done with the Weasel and Bobpi. I'm done being afraid of being in a relationship. I'm done being afraid of being happy. I've isolated myself and pushed everyone away, blaming the depression when maybe it's just fear. I don't know, but I'm changing the way I look at things, the way I go about doing things...especially interactions with people. I've burned bridges and I don't think I'll ever be able to be the kind of friends I want to be with certain people, but I have to learn from what's happened, let it go, and move forward with a better perspective and way of doing things.
I hope it gets better. I hope it continues to get better. I'm doing my best, I hope it's good enough.
I don't feel tingles and butterflies like I use to when I was interested in someone. In a lot of ways he's not what I think I want, but he's taller, older, and intriguing, so I'm willing to see if it goes anywhere. I want to love someone, at least for a while; someone to look forward to seeing and spending time with.
I'm done with the Weasel and Bobpi. I'm done being afraid of being in a relationship. I'm done being afraid of being happy. I've isolated myself and pushed everyone away, blaming the depression when maybe it's just fear. I don't know, but I'm changing the way I look at things, the way I go about doing things...especially interactions with people. I've burned bridges and I don't think I'll ever be able to be the kind of friends I want to be with certain people, but I have to learn from what's happened, let it go, and move forward with a better perspective and way of doing things.
I hope it gets better. I hope it continues to get better. I'm doing my best, I hope it's good enough.
01 February 2012
Alien
I've perfected pushing people away. I've been working on it my whole life, so I ought tone a pro by now. Bestest Friend is my very best friend because she is the only person in my life who has ever refused to leave. I pushed as hard as I could, but she held on and at times pushed back. She's the one and only reason I can't give up, even though I wish with all my heart I could. One isn't enough. You need at least two or three. A whole community is best, but at least two or three. Bestest Friend is patient and understanding. She listens to my heartache and fear, disappointment, sorrow, doubt. But she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't quite understand what's going on inside my head, so she can't help me know what to do.
Will gets it. It's basically the same, just manifesting in a different way. I've been pushing him. I haven't a clue what's kept him around this long, but somehow he keeps saying he cares (not in quite the way I need him to, but he does).
He told me I need to open myself to others. He said I alienate myself and I need to stop. But I don't know how. When people ask how I am, I want to tell them the truth, with the hope they somehow really care and can help me find the answers I can't see on my own. But so few people really understand, and even fewer really want the truth. And fewer still actually want to help.
I've been there for countless people when they were in need, but where are they in my need? Even Will. I stood by him, supported and encouraged him. I was there when he needed compassion and someone to understand. But now that I need him, he says he can't be the friend I need him to be. He's the only one...there isn't anyone else. So if he's unwilling, where does that leave me? He says he cares, that he's still here; not abandoning me, not going away...but not really there either. He refuses to be pushed, but is keeping his distance, blaming life instead of choice. But it is choice.
I need friends. I need a support system of people who genuinely care and who understand I'm just having a hard time right now. But I'm trapped in a paradox, the more I seek for and ask for the help I need, the more alone and hopeless I become. I don't understand why no one is there.
I don't know what to do. I can't reach out because I'm too fragile for more rejection and shunning right now. I wish someone would care enough to rally some troops to help me fight this war I can't win on my own. I need someone to push back when I fight against their friendship. I now it isn't fair, it's not intentional behavior, it's a poor coping mechanism. A fight or flight(well,in my case, fight and flight) response. I don't mean to. I don't want to. I just don't know any other way. I need help but can't find it. No matter how hard I try, or how deep and far I search, it's just never enough. I don't know what more to do. I can't do it alone, but no one is there (mostly because I pushed them away and they didn't understand or didn't care enough to stay).
Will gets it. It's basically the same, just manifesting in a different way. I've been pushing him. I haven't a clue what's kept him around this long, but somehow he keeps saying he cares (not in quite the way I need him to, but he does).
He told me I need to open myself to others. He said I alienate myself and I need to stop. But I don't know how. When people ask how I am, I want to tell them the truth, with the hope they somehow really care and can help me find the answers I can't see on my own. But so few people really understand, and even fewer really want the truth. And fewer still actually want to help.
I've been there for countless people when they were in need, but where are they in my need? Even Will. I stood by him, supported and encouraged him. I was there when he needed compassion and someone to understand. But now that I need him, he says he can't be the friend I need him to be. He's the only one...there isn't anyone else. So if he's unwilling, where does that leave me? He says he cares, that he's still here; not abandoning me, not going away...but not really there either. He refuses to be pushed, but is keeping his distance, blaming life instead of choice. But it is choice.
I need friends. I need a support system of people who genuinely care and who understand I'm just having a hard time right now. But I'm trapped in a paradox, the more I seek for and ask for the help I need, the more alone and hopeless I become. I don't understand why no one is there.
I don't know what to do. I can't reach out because I'm too fragile for more rejection and shunning right now. I wish someone would care enough to rally some troops to help me fight this war I can't win on my own. I need someone to push back when I fight against their friendship. I now it isn't fair, it's not intentional behavior, it's a poor coping mechanism. A fight or flight(well,in my case, fight and flight) response. I don't mean to. I don't want to. I just don't know any other way. I need help but can't find it. No matter how hard I try, or how deep and far I search, it's just never enough. I don't know what more to do. I can't do it alone, but no one is there (mostly because I pushed them away and they didn't understand or didn't care enough to stay).
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